


This Mess That I Am

by orphan_account



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Both Of Them being To Stupid To Accept It And Act Upon It?????, Connor pining over Jared??, Evan Isn't As innocent As Everyone Thinks 2k17, F/F, Fluff and Angst, H e l p T h e m, Heidi Hansen Is The Best Mom, Hold On It Gets Gayer, I Had A Bunch Of Tags For This But I Forgot Them All, I Only Know How To Tag For The Really Emotionally Damaging Stuff, I Promise I'm Trying Really Hard To Write Some Good Fluff Chapters For You Guys, Jared pining over Connor??, Jealous Connor, Jealous Jared, Lol I Lied, M/M, Maybe - Freeform, Multi, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, Soulmate AU, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, The Universe Needs To Get It's Shit Together, Underage Drinking, Underage Smoking, What Is A Fluff, it's more likely than you think, perhaps, you deserve it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-28
Updated: 2018-01-17
Packaged: 2018-12-08 02:49:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 20,927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11637366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Ever since Evan was five, he’s been able to see colors. Not all. Just some. It all started when he met Jared Kleinman.(Soulmate AU where when you meet your soulmate, you see the world in color for the first time) ((I promise it will be better than the summary...eventually))





	1. L Is For The Way You Look At Me

Ever since Evan was five, he’s been able to see colors. Not all. Just some. It all started when he met Jared Kleinman. Even before he was five, Evan had known Jared, but for some reason, when they were five years old it just clicked. They could see colors. Not the same ones, mind you, but colors.

One day they were playing around outside when both of them laid on the ground, exhausted. Their hands touched in the process, and suddenly, everything was different, but the same. The grass wasn’t grey anymore to Evan, it was some weird color he had never known about before. The sky wasn’t grey anymore in Jared’s eyes, but the grass still was. And the sky was still grey to Evan.

Shocked, the boys ran inside to tell their mothers. They were shocked as well, and confused. Mrs. Kleinman set out crayons on the table. An array of colors, ranging from the deepest blue to the brightest yellow. Jared pointed at the reds, blues, yellows, and browns. Evan pointed at the greens, purples, oranges, and pinks.

They never pointed at the same colors. The young boys both knew, somewhat, about soulmates, and what happened when you met them, but they didn’t know what happened when you didn’t immediately see all the colors.

This was rare and not a lot was said online about it, but the sites that said stuff about it said that either the boys weren’t sure of each other or they were born colorblind. Being soulmates, although a strong bond, wasn’t strong enough to withstand all the forces of life.

There were people who never saw any drop of color for their entire lives, people whose color faded until they met someone else, people who saw color and then lost it because their soulmate died and then never gained it again, and then there were people like Evan and Jared.

Although the case was rare, there was no doubting that they were close. Even if it turned out that they weren’t soulmates, it wasn’t surprising when the boys got together in 4th grade. What _was_ surprising was that they stayed together for years. Even more so was that they had never had a fight until freshman year, and only once after that.

Their last fight had taken place on summer break before senior year. Jared was sitting at home watching some pointless reality T.V show when the colors dimmed. He looked around a bit to make sure he wasn’t going crazy, looked up color dimming on the internet, but barely got through the first page before he got a call from Heidi saying that Evan was in the hospital. He had fallen out of a tree.

Days later, Evan regretfully told Jared that he let go. Jared was never good at handling emotions, and Evan knew. Part of him expected Jared to get mad, but it didn’t stop him from being terrified that Jared was going to leave him. Once Evan started to cry, Jared wouldn’t stop apologizing. He apologized the whole ride home. Weeks later he was still apologizing. He didn’t stop until Evan told him to stop apologizing.  

Jared apologized for apologizing too much.

* * *

 

 

“What does it look like? Around the sun?” Evan asked. The two sat on Mrs. Kleinman’s roof looking out at the sunset. The two could only see a specific set of color, but that didn’t stop Evan from pulling Jared out at least once a week to look at the sunset and descried the colors he saw. Jared thought it was kind of dorky, but it always made Evan happy, so it wasn’t that bad.

“Red...ish. I mean, it looks grey and then it sort of spirals into red,” Jared explained. Evan still didn’t understand the concept of red. Mrs. Kleinman explained it as a darkish orange. But darkish orange was still orange.

Jared wasn’t any better at explaining colors, but he always came up with really creative explanations. Even though Evan didn’t understand, he said nothing as Jared’s face sort of darkened while he was trying to tell Evan that red was the color of love and anger and embarrassment. It was cute. “I see orange, then it descends in the different kinds of grey. The sun is very orange,” 

He shrugged. “It looks red. And yellow, a bit, but mostly red,”

“Well maybe it’s orange _and_ red. I see that there is a tiny line of pink and a lot of purple as it, like, stops being grey. But, like, a very light purple,” Evan made a gesture with both his hands, holding them out to the sky as if he was saying that the colors were all around. Jared smiled. He understood purple, as Evan understood blue.

“It looks blue to me. Light blue. I’m sure it looks really pretty when it’s with purple,”

Evan put his hands down and sighed, making his shoulders go limp. “I wish we could see it,”

“Well...” Jared held Evan’s hand, “we just have to make the best with what we have,”

“Do you think we’ll ever understand why we don’t see all the colors?” His head turned to Jared, who just sighed.

“Evan, every time we sit outside our conversations always end up here, but we never find an answer. We’ll figure it out when we figure it out. Maybe we’re just colorblind, you know?”

Evan looked back to the sunset and put his knees up to his face, wrapping his left arms and cast around his knees. “Sorry,” He mumbled.

“Don’t be sorry. I didn’t mean it like that,” Jared said quickly. Quicker than he meant to.

“Sorry,” Evan squeaked again.

“Just...” Jared sighed and nudged Evan’s shoulder with his own. “Suppose there’s no green in the sunset, is there?” Jared couldn’t figure out green. It was described to him as a darker, uglier yellow. Which was funny, but he couldn’t see a darker yellow. He didn’t think adults understood how hard to was to imagine a whole different color. Most adults had been able to see colors since they were 17. 25 at the latest.

Evan looked towards Jared with a small smile on his face. Which made Jared smile too. He was getting somewhere. “There usually aren’t green in sunsets,”

“Just wondering,”

“You ask this every time,”  

“I wonder every time. I want to know what you see,” Jared smile widened. “You wanna know what I saw?”

“What?” Evan asked, even though he kind of knew the answer already.

“A red, falling, leaf,” Autumn was probably Jared’s favorite season of the year. Most of the leaves changed from green to yellow, red, and brown. It was the most colorful trees could be for him. He loved the color. Autumn was Evan’s favorite season too, just because he loved the feeling of it. It wasn’t too hot, it wasn’t too cold, and there was always some crisp feeling in the air that Evan couldn’t quite describe.

There was also Halloween to think about, which was one of their favorite holidays. Evan hadn’t gone trick-or-treating since he was seven years old, because the thought of being outside with tons of people wasn’t that appealing. When he was nine, Jared tried to con him into going by saying that it was dark and no one would notice Evan. But Evan won the argument and every year on Halloween, they would find a new scary movie to watch and eat a bunch of candy.

Occasionally Jared would bake something like a cake or brownies. He would always be the one to hand out candy to kids that came to the house, unless Evan was feeling brave enough to do it. The only bad thing about Autumn was the beginning of school, which happened just around that time. The topic of school always came after the topic of the beginning of autumn.   

Evan’s smile widened. “That’s great! I haven’t seen any of the leaves go back to grey on my half, but it’s great!” Jared was always really happy when autumn came around. It was adorable to Evan. He loved watching Jared talk on and on about the colors he saw and how beautiful it was, desperately trying to get his boyfriend to understand. Even though he never did.

Jared shrugged. “Eh, it was only one leaf. These things come slowly,”

“I’m sure in a few weeks it’ll go quicker. It always does,”

“Speaking of in a few weeks...”

“School?” Evan asked hesitantly.  

Everything was silent for a moment except the back-ground cricket choir. Suddenly, Jared answered in a low, soft, voice: “School,”

Evan let out a deep breath. “What about it?”

“Senior year,” He nudged Evan with his shoulder for a second time, “ _last_ year. Are you excited?”

“More like nervous as hell. If I mess this up...if my grades are bad...”

“You’re not going to mess this up. Your grades are never bad,”

He raised his eyebrow. “Did you see my grade in math last year?”

“It was a B, Evan,”

“It should have been an A,”

“Evan, I got a C in math,”  

“And that should have been _at least_ a B,” Evan joked. Jared chuckled a bit and with nothing else to say, the two boys looked out into the sunset and moved closer together. They rested their hands on Evan’s knee and Evan put his head on Jared’s shoulder. “Jared?”

Jared’s eyes looked down but he didn’t say anything. Instead he planted a kiss on Evan’s forehead and made a small noise that told him to continue talking. “I love you,” Evan mumbled, looking back at the sun.

Even though it must have been over the hundredth time already, both of them got butterflies in their stomachs whenever the words were said. By Evan or Jared. Neither of them could believe it, but they did. It was the one thing they wanted to believe in this crazy world. Jared rested his cheek on Evan’s head. “I love you too,”    


	2. Nothing Could Harm Them

When he walked in the front doors of the middle school at the beginning of sixth grade, Evan was sure that everything would be fine if he just held Jared’s hand. He was right, until they were taken to different classes. They only had two classes together in the morning, and one at the very end of the day. Of course, they got to see each other in the halls and they sat together at lunch, but it wasn’t the same. People threw stuff at Evan and Jared, spread rumors about them, whispered about them as they passed, and that happened in the hallways too and in their first, second, and eighth period classes, as well as lunch, but it was worse when they weren’t together.

Not only because the other kids knew they were unprotected and gave it their all, but because Evan and Jared couldn’t talk through it together. Evan usually couldn’t get through a day without panicking and almost crying, and Jared couldn’t get through a day without getting dangerously close to a fight. When they met back together at lunch, Evan would patently listen to how much Jared felt like beating the crap out of this one kid or how he yelled in this other kid’s face. Jared would have to drag the details of Evan’s day out of him, but Evan usually felt better after talking about it anyway.

After Christmas break, everyone at school knew about how Evan and Jared could only see a few select colors, and that fact alone actually scared off more people than Jared usually did. Bullying died down for about a few weeks, but that didn’t mean school was any easier. Evan still had his anxiety and depression to deal with, and Jared still had his anger issues. However, after those few weeks of silence, bullies come back stronger than ever. They would tackle the boys after school, making them bleed and cry.

It got to the point where neither Heidi or Mrs. Kleinman would let the boys ride the bus or walk home. They always dropped them off at precisely the time school started, and pick them up at precisely the time school ended. It sucked, not being able to ride or walk with their boyfriend to school, but at least they weren’t in fear of getting jumped. Of course, this didn’t stop the bullying that happened inside of school, which was almost as bad as the stuff that happened after school.

The start of seventh grade was the same, however, they had all classes together except two in the middle of the day. In seventh grade, Jared learned how to properly fight and ended up breaking someone’s arm when they tried to harm Evan. He got suspended for a week, but luckily Heidi let Evan spend that week with Jared. Mrs. Kleinman only agreed because she didn’t want Evan to be alone in the house. When they came back, everyone was sort of afraid of Jared. Nobody really picked on Evan anymore.

In the middle of eighth grade, Jared and Evan started walking back to school together, hand in hand, closer than ever. Because both of them knew that with the other around, nothing could harm them.

* * *

 

Evan was home alone, at 1 am because his mom had to work until 3:30, which probably wasn’t the best time to start thinking, but he did it anyway. Tomorrow was the first day of senior year. He had always known senior year would come for him, just like it did for everyone else, but for some reason he felt unprepared. Not at all ready. Like he could never be ready. The others would think it was stupid. It was the same school, same people, and Jared would be there with him. What did he have to be afraid of? _Everything._

If he messed this last year up, he could mess up any chance he had of getting into a good college. Maybe he couldn’t get in the same college as Jared or worse, he couldn’t get into any college at all. Very few jobs would accept him without a college education. What would he do with his life?

He sat staring at the black T.V screen with his arms wrapped around his legs, which were pulled up closely to him. He glanced at the phone beside him, wondering if he should text Jared, but it was way too late. Jared would probably be asleep, as Evan should be, but couldn’t. Instead, he was sitting on the couch, curled up into a ball, with all the lights on, looking at nothing, and panicking about something he shouldn’t really be worrying about too much.   

Should he? Everyone told him that he always worked his hardest, got good grades, that he would be great in college. But those were just word. Things people told Evan to make him stop freaking out. They were probably all sick of his whining. Why did he have to be so weird? Why did he feel the need to tell his mom or Jared that he was freaking out? He probably freaked _them_ out. They found him annoying.

And just like that, Evan’s chest started to get heavier. When he was left alone, it was easy to think that people didn’t like him. That people didn’t want him. That he was a screw up. Everyone thought so. Even his dad didn’t want to take care of him. His mom probably loved work, because she was away from Evan That Jared was lying about loving him.

That was why Evan couldn’t see red yet...

He pulled his knees closer to his face. They started to dig into his cheeks, but that didn’t stop him from hugging them tighter. _Oh god, oh god, not now._ He couldn’t convince himself that those things weren’t true. Needles started to poke at his chest. _Oh god, Oh god, I just wanted to think about college!_ But the world had different plains for him apparently. A cool tear started to make its way down Evan’s cheek. It felt numb on his face which was starting to get warm.

Evan quickly put both his feet down and stumbled forward a bit before regaining his balance and running to the bathroom on his two trembling legs. He slapped his hands on both sides of the sink and looked up into the mirror. He hadn’t realized it, but two more tears had made his way to Evan’s chin. He quickly wiped them off and turned on the sink, splashing the cold water against his face.

No one was there to tell him what to do, and he absolutely hated taking medicine for his anxiety attacks, so he just stared in the mirror, watching more tears flow down his face and feeling his legs start to go weak. He started to back himself up to the bathtub and crawl inside, curling in the corner. It got a little harder to breath. He tried to remember his breathing exercises, but he couldn’t remember how to start.

Rarely he had a panic attack and no one was there to help him. His mom didn’t even usually work this late. Was it that he had to inhale for 5 seconds, or more? How long should he hold? Jared was usually there to reassure him he was doing the right thing. But Jared didn’t want to see him. Nobody wanted to see him. Nobody should. He was ugly and useless.

He couldn’t even remember a simple breathing exercise. Evan put his face into his arms and rested it on his knees, pulling them as close as he could. Unknowingly, he started to dig his nails into his skin. He didn’t feel much until he accidently created a mark. His eyes squeezed shut tightly out of reflex. As a result, his ears started to ring, and throb. He opened his eyes again, just to realize that his vision was obstructed by tears.  

Suddenly, someone started to slam on the door, which made Evan jump. He gasped, looking up, and stumbled out of the bathroom. His mom came home early. Right? That was the only explanation. Right? He leaned himself on a wall to catch his breath and thought he heard someone shout something before he pulled himself to the door.

As he was about to open it, his phone, which he left on the couch, started vibrating. It lit up. The time was 2:47. Evan looked at it for a few seconds. His brain was clouded. For a second, he couldn’t think about what was happening. He looked back at his hand, resting on the doorknob. Was that always there? He wiggled it a few times to make sure it was there.

For a second, the floor he stood on didn’t even seem real.

He opened the door to see Jared, nervously tapping his foot on the small front porch. He was on his phone. Jared turned to Evan and his face flooded with relief. He leaned forward and embraced Evan like he hadn’t seen him in years, knocking Evan back a little, but he hugged back, gripping at the back of his shirt to make sure Jared was actually there.

Evan mumbled something unintelligible. He didn’t even know what he was trying to say. Jared was laughing and sobbing at the same time, rocking slightly back and forth. He buried his face into Evan’s chest. “I thought you were hurt,” He squeaked out. His voice was already muffled from Evan’s shirt. Evan’s breathing started to regulate normally as he heard Jared’s words.

“Really?” He weakly mumbled.

“Heidi said she wasn’t home and you don’t go to sleep when you’re alone in the house and so I wanted to come over to check on you because you weren’t answering your phone either and I was worried and I heard you cry and I knocked a few times but you wouldn’t answer so I finally slammed on the door and then tried to call you again,”  Jared said quickly in on giant run on sentence. He squeezed Evan gently and then let go, looking at his face and frowned. “You look like shit,”

“You worried about me?”

Jared’s face changed again. But this time it looked sad and worried at the same time. “Of course I did, you’re my boyfriend. You’re my soulmate. I can’t lose you,” He grabbed Evan’s hand and held tightly.

“You...” Evan’s face quickly got red and he smacked his face with his other hand. “Why would I think that?”

“Why would you think what?” Jared asked, worried. Once a few seconds went by, he touched Evan’s cast and moved over to his shoulder. Slowly, Evan put his left hand down and Jared started holding it too. He smiled. “Hey. It’s ok. You don’t have to tell me, you know what?”

“What?”

Jared reached up to Evan and planted a soft kiss on his lips. “I love you. A lot. And it’ll be ok,”

Evan started to smile a bit. “Ok,” He whispered.

“Guess what else?” Jared started whispering as well, which made Evan chuckle a bit.

“What?”

“It’s 3 o’clock and I’m kind of tired and I want to sleep here,” He started to swing both of their hands.

“Does anyone know you’re here?”

“They won’t care. They know I don’t talk to anyone else,”

Evan chuckled and kissed Jared again. “Ok,”

He let Jared lead him to his own bed, where Evan crawled in the corner and Jared laid beside him after turning off all the lights and bringing Evan’s phone in to charge. “Pull up the covers, you look cold,”

“Mhph...” Evan mumbled back. He was freezing, but he felt too tired to actually do anything. The two were laying on the covers and didn’t want to reposition themselves.

Jared sighed and walked out of Evan’s room, despite Evan’s small noise of protest, and came back with a small blanket. He set it over Evan and laid down to face him. The two held each other’s hands and Jared softly kissed his forehead. “Better?” He whispered.

“No, you’re cold...” Evan mumbled, half asleep.

Jared chuckled a bit. “I’m not,”

“Mhm...” He replied, getting ready to argue his point, but he quickly fell asleep. Jared closed his eyes and listened to his sleeping boyfriend breathe for a second. He smiled. As much as Evan needed him, he needed Evan. He needed to know that he was wanted and loved, despite his issues and flaws. It was hard to believe that when he was away.

Not expecting a response, Jared mumble happily: “Night Ev,” before falling asleep as well.

At 3:42, an exhausted Heidi slowly opened the door expecting to see Evan curled up on the couch, awake, with some T.V show on to make him feel less alone, as he almost always was when Heidi had to work late. Instead, to her surprise, all the lights were off and Evan was nowhere to be seen.

She made her way down to Evan’s room and smiled upon seeing he and Jared had fallen asleep in each other’s arms.     

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is only based off one of my panic attacks. I have no idea what you other kiddos feel.   
> I do think that with Jared and Evan understanding that they're soulmates and with Jared able to help Evan though tough times, Evan would be able to feel a little more confident at school and out in public, but being home alone with your own thoughts isn't really the best for your confidence


	3. Absolutely Alive

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jared is a protective boyfriend and Connor is confused and it is beautiful

A few days had passed since the first day of school. Heidi had tried to get Evan to get more people to sign his cast every day. Not that Jared’s wasn’t enough, but she wanted her son to branch out a bit. Evan didn’t ask anyone else, because, why would they? No one else liked him. It sounded cheesy, but Jared’s signature was all he needed. Of course, Jared had said he would probably bully someone into signing it if Evan wanted another signature.  

Evan and Jared walked from the school building, hand in hand, talking about unimportant things, changing the subject every time they didn’t have something else to say about the current subject. Their arms started to swing, like they were little children, but they didn’t really care. “All I’m saying,” Jared started, “is that they shouldn’t give so much dang tests. Especially senior year. We already carried our weight, for like, six years Evan. Six years!”

“Isn’t it now when tests really count?”

Jared scoffed playfully. “Knew you would say something like that, you nerd,”

Evan blushed. Everyone around them was pushing and shoving to get home as well. Nobody walked alone. They had to squeeze past some people, and between some, but they never left each other’s side. When they squeezed past people, in fact, they started to hold hands tighter, so they wouldn’t get separated. “Well, it does,”

“Then why don’t they just give tests in high school?”

Evan rolled his eyes. “They need to know we retained the knowledge! And, we need practice. You don’t want to get into a test in high school and not know what’s going on, do you?”

“God, you are a _nerd,”_ Jared whispered, and smiled.

“Jared,” Evan whined. 

“And there’s that stupid bio test tomorrow I haven’t studied for yet,”

Evan chuckled. “Is that why you’re so salty?”

Jared pretended to be hurt. “Ouch, Evan. But yeah,”

“You can study at my house,” Evan offered.

Jared used his free hand to make a gesture that Evan didn’t quite understand. “Yeah, but I’ll say I’ll study, and I’ll just pretend to while you actually study. Then you’ll get on me for not studying, and you think we’ll be in a fight or close to one, until we start making out, and then we’ll watch T.V until your mom gets home,”

Evan nodded. “That sounds accurate,”

They moved closer and squeezed past two other kids, but when they moved past them, they didn’t really move away from each other. “I mean, I’m still up for that,”

“Yeah,” Evan smiled then kissed Jared quickly, “I would be up for that,” He paused. “Too,” He added, thinking Jared might not understand. Jared chuckled and they kissed again, a little longer this time. When they let go, someone shouted ‘fag’ but they didn’t know who and they didn’t really mind. Probably some freshman. 

“Cute,” Someone mumbled behind them. Jared snapped his head back and Evan looked as well. He turned around, letting go of Evan’s hand in the process. The infamous Connor Murphy was looking at the both of them. Jared could see his face start to go red, but it didn’t get far before Connor snapped at both of them and his expression changed dramatically. “What are you looking at?”

He grinned. “Nice haircut. Real, school shooter chic,” He chuckled again, but Evan found a way to elbow him. “Dude, ow,” Evan nodded at Connor while looking at Jared. Jared rolled his eyes. “S-sorry man, it was a joke,”

Connor narrowed his eyes. “No, I’m laughing, can’t you tell?” He paused, waiting for the other to speak, but spoke louder when he didn’t. “Am I not laughing hard enough for you?”

“Jaredsaidsorry,” Evan said quickly without meaning to. Connor looked at him as angrily as he looked at Jared, but it made Evan feel worse. He stepped back.

“Sorry, did you say something?” It was a genuine question, but it sounded sarcastic and rude.

Jared snapped at him. _“Hey,”_

“AllImsayingisisthatmaybeyouwouldbackoffalittlebecauseJaredalreadysaidsorryandImsorrytoo...”

Connor interrupted. “Are you scared of me?” He stepped forward and stopped when Evan stepped back a little. Connor’s face almost turned to one that looked concerned, but it quickly turned back.

“I’m not a freak! _You’re_ the freak!” He yelled, ignoring Jared, who stepped towards him and shouted something unintelligible. He looked angrier than before. He rushed past him, or tried to, pushing him down in the process. Evan closed his eye while Jared started to yell at him.

He slowly opened his eyes and saw that Connor was turned to face Jared and Jared was yelling in his face. He couldn’t focus on anything Jared was saying, or anything Connor yelled back. For the first time, he realized Connor’s hair was brown. He blinked once or twice and looked around. 

Evan’s heart started to pound as he looked at the scene behind him. Tree trunks were brown and some of them had a lighter brown tint, like Jared described, and some of the leaves were, what Evan assumed to be red and yellow. They littered the green grass and made it all seem so much more alive. The sky was soft blue, spotted white with a million little clouds and it looked perfect.

Absolutely alive and perfect.

He looked back to the red, brick, school building, and the sight of red almost made him smile. Then he remembered Connor Murphy. It was Connor who completed it. His breathing started to shake and breaths became shallow. He looked over at Jared, who was still yelling in Connor’s face. He finally saw all the colors that made up someone’s skin. Everyone seemed to have different variations, whether they were small or large.

Jared face looked like it was about to explode. It almost made Evan smile as well, knowing that Jared was there to protect him, but he also got scared and curled up. After a few seconds, Connor started to run away, but he glanced at Evan. To Evan’s surprise, it didn’t look as angry as Connor looked before. It was fearful and concerned, almost innocent. There was a hint of anger there. Before Connor left, Evan noted that his eyes were brown.

Other people were looking at Connor too and whispering. Jared quickly went to help Evan up. “You’re lucky if I don’t beat your ass when you came back,” He said through closed teeth, then sounded more concerned. “Are you ok? Does your arm hurt? I saw you try to hold yourself up with that arm. You shouldn’t do that,”   

He let Jared pull his up and he started to lean on the shorted boy when he was up, feeling a little dizzy. People stopped to look at both of them. He looked around at all the colors he could now see. The girl with purple hair now looked more natural with olive skin. Some people had brown hair or a faded yellowish. Eyes were blue or brown, not just green and grey. There were still green and grey, but less then Evan had expected.

He looked into Jared’s brown eyes and smiled softly. He kissed him. “You know I love you?”

“How hard did he push you?” Jared scoffed but kissed back anyway.

“Not hard,” Evan looked back and around as they walked to the parking lot, holding hands again. He couldn’t believe he was seeing the blue of the sky, the brown in the trees. He could see the colors of the leaves Jared would try so hard to describe.

His mind redirected from the colors and onto Connor Murphy. _Connor Murphy._ What did that mean? He didn’t even like Connor! And what does it mean to complete someone else’s colors? Could he see color’s now two? How much of it? Wait, what did this mean for him and Jared? They’d been together for years. He had seen colors with Jared. He couldn’t throw that all away for Connor Murphy.

Someone he didn’t even know. Someone who shoved him. He didn’t even like Connor like that. He’d never even really seen Connor before. All he knew about him was that he threw a printer in 2nd grade at the teacher. Now that he had seen him, he did have to admit, he looked kind of cool, but both of those things weren’t a lot to go off of.

Evan slid in the passenger seat and looked out the window, glancing at Jared every now and then. He was talking about Connor, and spitting out random insults. “I mean, you weren’t even _doing_ anything. It was me, I made the joke,”

“It’s not about the joke. Well, it kind of was, but I think that I was the last straw,”

“Whatever. That doesn’t give him the right to fucking put his hands on you,” Jared turned sharply at the next turn.

Evan held the door and put another hand on the dashboard. “Jesus, Jared, calm down,”

“Well, I’m pissed,”

“I can see that, but try not to get us killed today,” He sighed and Jared stopped talking. Evan didn’t say anything. He just let him drive. He couldn’t tell him today. Not now, in the car. Especially not in the car. Or around anything that could hurt them. But he was going to tell Jared. He couldn’t keep a secret from Jared. He didn’t even want to try. As much as it might anger him, or make him sad...would it make Jared sad? He still had something with him. He always had. He loved Jared with all him heart. He didn’t want anything to happen to both of them.

Even if soulmates fought sometimes, he didn’t want him and Jared to fight again. He hated that. The thought would make him sad, stressed out, or anxious. His breaths started to become shallow again. “Jared?” He said shakily.

“What?”

Evan stopped, looking out onto the road and the blue sky. He gulped. “I love you,”

“Evan, you’re kind of starting to freak me out,”

“Sorry,”

Jared sighed. “You don’t have to be sorry, it’s just me, ok? I love you too Evan,”

“Are you sure?” He said so quietly he didn’t even know he was saying it.

“Yeah. I’ve always known. I always _will_ love you. There’s nothing that’ll make me stop. I’m sorry, if it’s about Connor. I’ll stop talking about it,” His voice became sweet and low, like he was talking to Evan through an anxiety attack. Maybe he was. He sighed. “We’re going to your house to study,” He sounded happier when he said study. Evan chuckled a bit.

“That sounds great,”    

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I KNOW THIS WILL CHANGE OBVIOUSLY BUT AS OF NOW, AUGUST 2ND, 2017, 11:00 PM, I HAVE 666 HITS AND I THINK THAT IS SOMETHING TO BE EXCITED ABOUT


	4. That Was Enough

**Ev-**   _im at home alone_

_no adult supervision_

_and im about to eat this whole bag of candy and i know it’s a bad idea but i have no self-control_

_i need help_

 

And that was all Jared needed to see to hop in his car and drive to Evan’s. He was there in about five minutes. Evan opened the door to see Jared leaning on the doorway with a grin on his face. “Don’t do that, that’s a bad idea,”

It took Evan a second to understand what Jared said, but once it clicked he smiled and nodded his head toward the inside of his house, signaling Jared to walk in. He looked nervous and tired. He spent most of the night walking in the forest near his house and looking at all the colors, looking up colors online, and looking in the mirror at his own eyes, which he knew were blue, he just didn’t know how blue, until he finally saw for himself.

He also looked up what it meant when he needed two people to complete his colors. He still didn’t have an answer on that one. All he found were articles on how two or more people could trick themselves into seeing color. Of course, it wasn’t true. Sure, they could fake seeing colors in front of other people to make them look cool, but they couldn’t actually trick themselves into _seeing_ the colors.   

Still, it caught Evan’s eye, and made him think for a moment. Had he done that unintentionally with Jared? Could you do that unintentionally? But he loved Jared, he always had, and he always would. Even if the color situation was never solved, he was certain Jared was his soulmate, and he would stay with him until the end.

Had he done that unintentionally with Connor?

He snapped out of his thoughts when Jared made a clicking sound with his tongue, walking inside. He looked around, grinning from ear to ear. “No adult supervision, right?” He said mischievously.

Evan grinned but changed his expression to look like he was about to whine when Jared walked over. “My mom isn’t going to be home until late, yeah,”

Fortunately, he wasn’t doing a very good job at pretending to whine. Jared kissed him passionately and the two backed up a bit. Evan threw his arms around Jared’s neck and Jared put his hands softly on Evan’s waist, pulling him closer, slowly rubbing with his thumbs, which made Evan shudder a bit.

He pulled away slowly. “Jarrredddd, that’s not why I called you here,” He giggled a bit. Jared started kissing his neck and his giggles turned into a soft moan. “Jaarrreeeedddd,” He whined.

“What?” Jared asked, smiling, he knew exactly what he was doing but liked teasing Evan a bit. Evan huffed. “You didn’t even really call me over. You said something about candy,”

“I knew it was a good way to summon you,”

Jared rolled his eyes. “C’mon, Ev, I didn’t come all this way _just_ to make sure you didn’t eat a whole bag of candy. Just, let’s have a bit of fun,”

“Jared,” Evan whined again, but laughing this time. “I’m not in the mood...really. That much,”

Jared raised an eyebrow. “That much?”

“Stop it, I have important things to say and I thought we could watch a movie or something, I donno,” He shrugged, still smiling.

“Fine,” Jared gave up, but kissed Evan a few more times. “Later?” Evan looked over and raised his eyebrow, which was the most he could do. Jared pulled off a smug grin and wiggled his eyebrow, which made Evan laugh and playfully push him on the shoulder. He let Evan lead him to the couch and turn on Moana, which made Jared laugh a little.

“What?”

“Moana?”

Evan shrugged. “Moana is a masterpiece, I don’t know what you’re talking about,”

He sighed and cuddled up to Evan’s side, letting Evan put his arm around his shoulder. “Fine, we’ll watch Moana,”

“Do you have a better movie in mind?”

“Sweeney Todd?”

Evan laughed a bit. “Nope. Definitely not,”

Jared jokingly put his hands up in defense. “Come on, we can’t even see most of the colors in this one. Sweeney Todd is mostly grey and dark colors anyway,”

It was suddenly a little too quiet. Moana started to load. Evan froze up, not realizing he had done so. They had a list of movies they wanted to watch after they both got all the colors. Even though Moana wasn’t on it, it was a colorful movie, or so he heard. He wanted to wait for Jared. He quickly picked up the remote and started looking through Netflix for ‘Sweeney Todd’.

“Whoa, Evan, if you want to-“

“Idon’treallywannaanymore,” He interrupted, and said too quickly.

Jared took the remote from Evan and set it aside. He put his hand on Evan’s right shoulder and looked at him. “Are you ok?”

Evan couldn’t speak. He looked up and down at Jared. Blue jeans, green shirt and reddish flannel, brown hair, brown eyes. He noticed for the first time that his glasses were red. “Jared, what’s your favorite color?”

“Ummm,” Jared uttered, not expecting the question. “I-I, can’t really, I mean, right now it’s red but, ummm, that might change. From what you described, p-purple is really pretty. But I don’t...why are you asking?”

“I’ve just, youknowI’vealways, umm, uhh, w-wondered what your... _glasses..._ andIthought hey, maybeitmightbeyourfavoritecolor?”

Jared was taken aback. His eyebrows raised and he couldn’t seem to look anywhere else but Evan’s face, which Evan could feel heating up by the second. He suddenly let out a breath and tried to make a gesture with his free hand. Evan, again, didn’t understand it. “Uhh, well, _yeah_. My glasses are red. I thought I would’ve told you that. Umm, sorry. Why my glasses?”

“Wellyourflannelisreddishtoo,” Evan blurted out without thinking about it. 

Luckily, Jared didn’t hear everything he said. “My... _flannel?_ ”

“Yeah,” Evan said quickly.

“Well, it _looks_ grey and some other color, but it’s mostly red to me,”

“YeahIknow,” Evan said quickly, then took a deep breath. “Yeah, I...” he let it out, looking around the room once, “...know,”

“What? No you don’t,” Jared got a little defensive and Evan sunk into the couch, wondering if Jared was going to yell at him. Jared knelt in front of him on the floor, putting his hand on Evan’s shoulders. He spoke quietly. “Evan, tell me what you mean, baby,”

He suddenly felt the need to hold back his tears. He looked away. “You’ll be mad at me,”

“I promise, I won’t. I want to know what’s going on, to help. To understand you. Look at me,” Evan did, with tears in his eye. Jared smiled sweetly, wiping a tear off of his boyfriend’s cheek. “I love you, ok? I really do. I can’t live without you. Ok? I love you _so much,_ just tell me what’s wrong,”

Evan took in a deep breath. Jared would hate him. Jared would absolutely hate him. He already hated Connor. Jared’s hands went from Evan’s shoulders to Evan’s hands. He began to squeeze them gently. When Evan looked back at him, he smiled patently.

They waited 5 seconds for Evan to stop stuttering long enough to get the story out. “Well, I know you’re my soulmate, and I love you I really do. You’re the best thing that happened to me, ok? I really do, and I’m not going to let you go. But...do yourememberafewdaysagowhenConnorMruphypushedme?” Jared took a second, then nodded slowly. “And, ImeanIcouldseecolorsbeforebut-“

“Evan,” Jared interrupted. “I can’t hear a word you’re saying bud,”

“Jared,” Evan whined. He started to become upset he couldn’t speak slowly. He let a few more tears slip.

“Hey, hey,” Jared leaned up and kissed Evan on the lips, holding his hands close to Jared. He bent back down slowly. “Shhh, it’s ok, it’s ok...”

“I w-ant to tell you-u,” He said through his sobs. “I really lo-ve you...”  

“I really love you too Ev. I really do. I won’t be mad. You said something about Connor Murphy. Is he picking on you?”

The truth was, Connor hadn’t talked to or acknowledged Evan much since that incident. Sometimes Evan caught Connor glancing at him, but he turned away so quick Evan thought it was only his imagination sometimes. He would see Connor look around the room, distracted from whatever they were doing in class at the moment. “N-no, he...” Evan trailed off.

“Babe, please. I’m not going to be mad at you,”

“I can see red,” Evan said quickly, without thinking. He looked down and continued quickly. “And blue, and yellow, and brown, and all those other colors and different shades and it’s beautiful but I don’t want you to think that I don’t like you a lot I mean Jared I know you’re my soulmate I know it because I can feel it we don’t even-“

Jared cut him off. “Wait, what? When did this...?” He trailed off and gasped softly. “Connor Murphy,” They were quiet for a second before Jared took his hands out of Evan’s and jumped up. “Connor _Murphy?”_ He yelled, looking around the room.

“I knew you would be mad,” Evan started to play with the end of his shirt.

“ _Connor_ Murphy,” Jared repeated, not listening to Evan.

“I’m so sorry,” He started to cry more.

Now Jared was mad at him and wouldn’t want to be his boyfriend, and what if Connor didn’t even like him that way? He never even thought of Connor. He still didn’t know what to think of him. Jared would leave and Evan couldn’t get over him. What if he did something to himself and left for good? Evan couldn’t live with that. He couldn’t live with...he pressed his knees up to his face and held them tightly to stop himself from crying. He couldn’t hear anything else and he was so scared Jared had left. But soon Jared tugged on his arms, saying something and Evan reluctantly stood up.

Jared wiped off his tears again and tried his best to smile. “I still love you,” He pulled Evan in for a hug and started crying a little too. But he was also laughing a little. He started rubbing circles in Evan’s back. “I love you,” He said again, the sound muffled by Evan’s shirt, but he didn’t mind. Every time Jared said it, Evan started to calm down. “We’ll figure this out. We really will. I won’t stop until we figure out what’s going on, ok? I love you,”

“I-I don’t li-ke, Con-nor,” Evan said slowly, like Jared still needed reassurance. In a way, he did.

“I know,”

“I lik-e you,”

“I know,”    

“I love you,” Evan croaked, and tried to stop crying.

Jared didn’t say anything for a bit. He just kept rubbing Evan’s back. He felt Evan quickly hug him back weakly. He stumbled on his words, trying to force them out. Trying to make them true to him. “I know,”

The two stood and hugged each other in silence, giving Evan enough time to calm himself, but when he was done, neither of them wanted to let go. Instead, Evan pulled his face away slowly to look at Jared who had a few tears down his face as well. He kissed him softly, as a way to prove that he was being honest. Jared wasn’t convinced, but he kissed back anyway. He had Evan right now, at least.

That was enough.   

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jared is legit the best boyfriend. We all need a Jared


	5. For Forever

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm in love with these gay nerds

At the end of second block Evan was a mess. He curled in a ball in the corner of the restroom because he couldn’t breathe well. He couldn’t _breathe._ The teacher asked Evan to talk about...something. He couldn’t remember well. Maybe...a book? Evan remembered the book The contents, and could talk about it, but not unscripted. And especially not in front of the whole class. Luckily, a girl in the back noticed that Evan was shaking and started to get pale, so she stood up, and told everyone about the book, dragging the presentation out until the end of class, which is when Evan ran to the bathroom and just didn’t come out.

It must be third by now. _God,_ the first class he and Jared had together. He knew he should probably wipe his eyes and forget it all, putting on a brave face for Jared. But he might just break down as soon as he saw his boyfriend again. He hated the situation he was in right now. He hated not knowing what was going on. He hated that Jared took it so well. He hated it. When he started thinking more about it, it just became impossible for him to get up. To stop crying. To do _something._

He raised his head up a bit upon hearing the door creak open. From the corner of his eye, Evan could see the familiar figure of Connor Murphy walking towards him, and quickly put his head down again. There was no way Connor couldn’t see him. Connor knelt right beside him, setting down his backpack. Evan froze. Connor wasn’t saying anything, Evan wasn’t saying anything. All they could hear was the footsteps of teens passing the opening of the restrooms.

Suddenly, Evan slowly started lifting his head to look at Connor. Connor was looking straight forward, but seemed to realize Evan was looking at him. He cleared his throat. “What does it look like for you?” He said nonchalantly. Evan coughed, almost choking on the breath he was holding in, waiting for Connor to yell at him or something.

“Ummm, _well,_ it kind- _pretty,_ ” Was all Evan could manage. Connor shrugged.

“I mean, yeah, pretty, but what colors do you see?”

It was only now that Evan started to realize that maybe Connor couldn’t see every color, like it was for him and Jared in the beginning. Evan gulped. “A-all...” The two were silent for a few seconds before Evan could finish his sentence. “All of them...” Connor slowly let out a breath he had been holding and Evan thought he had said something wrong. “Oh...oh go-d Connor, I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I know it-“

“Evan. It’s not your fault,”

“S-sorry,” Evan muttered.

Connor looked over at him with a serious look. “If you say sorry one more time, I will fight you,”

“Sss-“ Evan let out before trailing off, fighting the urge to say sorry again. Connor sighed.

“Look, dude, don’t be scared. _I’m_ sorry, if anything. I’m sorry I pushed you, I’m sorry I yelled at your boyfriend, I’m sorry I...” He trailed off, sighing. _I’m sorry I can see colors._

Both of them were quiet for a minute, staring straight ahead before Evan hesitantly nudged Connor with his shoulder, then pulled it away like he was afraid of Connor. The taller boy winced. _He was afraid of him._ “It’s ok,” He waited a minute. “For everything. I mean, _about_ everything. That’s ok. Connor...” He was about to say something, and then he looked away, letting go of it.

“Connor, what?” Connor asked. Evan grunted weakly. Connor decided to step in. “It’s already third,”

“I know,” Evan mumbled.

“What do you have?”

“History,”

Connor smiled. He didn’t think in a million years that the Evan Hansen, the star student, the teacher’s pet, the good kid, wouldn’t be going to a class. “Why aren’t you in it?”

When Evan didn’t answer right away, he was the one to nudge the boy with his shoulder. “Panic attack,” Evan used his free hand to trace tiles on the bathroom floor. Connor’s face fell a bit.

“Oh,” He took a second to watch Evan in silence before he spoke again. “Those suck,”

Evan shrugged, as if it was a question. “Why aren’t _you_ in class?” He looked back at Connor, who let out a soft chuckle, smiling again.

“Class sucks,”

Evan smiled. “O-only when you have to do actual work. Napping is quite fun,” Evan stuttered. Connor let out a small gasp and Evan frowned a bit, wondering if he had said something wrong. _That was stupid, that was so stupid, whydidyousaythat?_ “What?”

“Did you, _Evan Hansen, star student,_ just admit to _napping_ in _class?_ ” Evan smiled again at the overdramatic statement. He shrugged.

“No. I’ve just seen _you_ do it,”

Connor scoffed. “Boo,”

Evan chuckled a bit and Connor’s face lit up. “Alright, so, occasionally I rest my eyes for a few seconds, but it’s only for a few seconds!”

“You nap in class,” Connor said in a matter-of-factly way.

“Do not,”

“Do too,”

“ _You_ nap in class,”

“I’m not denying that,”

Evan freed his hand and slapped Connor’s shoulder playfully. Connor chuckled. Even though it didn’t hurt, he let out a soft “Ow”

The two let their chuckles die down and started looking around the bathroom before Evan rubbed his neck. “I’ve never...not gone to class before,”

“You mean, skip?”

“Well I don’t think this really _counts_ as skipping,”

Connor raised his eyebrow. “Oh?” He said sarcastically.

“I mean, in still technically _in_ school, and I could still go to forth if I wanted,” Evan rushed to explain himself.

“It’s still skipping a class period, you know,”

“Yeah, well, ok,” Evan got louder, which made Connor chuckle a little. _God, he was too cute. Was he doing this on purpose?_ “I have a valid excuse. It was a panic attack. I couldn’t even breathe. This one girl saw me, in the back, I think her name is Alana. She knows. They could talk to my doctor too, if they want. I have them a lot, actually. I started shaking and s-stuff,” He stumbled over the word ‘stuff’. In reality, Evan thought about cussing to look cooler in front of Connor, but decided against it, because he couldn’t bring himself to say the word.

“It wasn’t good, so I’m pretty sure it’s not skipping if you have a valid excuse, like a sick day. And, we’re still in school, which is a bonus. See? Not skipping. In school. Valid excuse. I could even sit in the nurse’s office if I wanted too,”

Connor was quiet for a second. He was still looking down at Evan, smiling wider than before. _Even if the colors were a mistake, god, he was in love with this nerd._ “What?” Evan maintained a serious face.

“Ok, ok, you’re not really skipping then,” Connor said, chuckling. He looked at his backpack, then back to Evan. He looked hopeful, happy, the complete opposite of the Connor Murphy that shoved him a few days earlier. “Sooo...” He pulled off a cute, small, side smile that Evan could recognize was genuine. “Wanna skip?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't try to write two fanfictions of the same fandom at the same time.   
> "I need to get to Zoe and Alana soon,"   
> "Wait, isn't Zoe straight in this one?"   
> "No that's the other one,"   
> "Where does that put Christine?"  
> "Then...wait, would Evan be gay for Connor or Jared?"   
> "Both,"   
> "Wait, is this the poly one?"   
> "MICHAEL MAKES AN ENTRANCE"


	6. For Forever Pt. 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SOOOOO SORRY FOR THE WAIT I SWEAR I HAVEN'T FORGOT ABOUT THIS STORY

Evan and Connor didn’t talk much in the car. Even though Evan wanted to ask Connor where they were going, he was afraid he’d mess it up, and Connor would take him right back to school. Or home. He didn’t want to go to any of those places. A break from school sounded kind of nice, although Evan still felt a bit guilty about skipping, and Evan wasn’t in the mood to be home alone right now. Neither was Connor, actually. Besides, they desperately needed to talk about everything, no matter how long it would take.

They drove to the backside of a fenced orchard. It looked empty and barren. There were still trees, that’s not what Evan meant, but it looked like no one had taken care of the orchard or anything around it for years. The fence was sort of bending up and down. Still too high to jump over, but you might be able to climb over, unless it fell.

“W-why did you take me h-here?” Evan stuttered. “No one is here...” He gulped, looking around.

Connor looked a little disappointed. “I thought you didn’t like people,”

“I don’t,” Evan said in protest, then started rambling when he caught Connor looking at him. “I-I mean, I like _some_ people, obviously, like, uhhh, Jared! And you. I MEAN, not like, _like,_ like you, BUT not like _not_ like, like you, you know what I’m saying? I, well, I hardly g-got to know you, really. I’m hoping that can changebecauseyouseemlikeaniceguyyouknowandIknowthatnowwecan-“

“Oh my god, chill,” Connor said seriously, looking for a place to park.

Evan looked down. “Sorry,” He mumbled.

Connor groaned a bit. “Evan...”

“Sorry!” He said a bit louder, sitting up. “No, wait,” He quickly said once he realized that Connor was probably tired of his self-pitying. “I apologize for talking too quickly. And rambling,”

Connor looked at Evan and raised his eyebrow. “You know that’s the same thing as saying sorry, right?”

Embarrassed, Evan slumped in his seat. “I k-know,”

“I...want to get to know you too. That’s why I took you out. Of school,”

“Oh...” Evan replied, not knowing what else there was to say. 

He sounded disappointed, which worried Connor. _Did he lie when he said he wanted to skip with me? Am I making him uncomfortable? Oh god, I fucked up. Again._ “You want to go back to school?” Connor almost snapped. Evan looked down and started fidgeting with his hands in his lap. He stuttered, not knowing exactly want to say again. Connor sighed and parked the car under a tree. “You like trees, right? Well I like abandoned things, so what better than on abandoned orchard? That’s why it was _here,_ ”

“Oh,” Evan said in a happier tone. He bit his lip. _Too happy. Too happy!_

Connor was the first one to hop out of the car, but Evan stayed back, took a deep breath, and walked out the door after two seconds. He followed Connor to a part of the fence that was partially knocked down, and started to nervously look around as Connor was climbing into the orchard.

“I-isn’t this i-llegal?” Evan nervously stuttered.

Connor chuckled deviously. “Only if you get caught,” He jumped down and looked through the fence at Evan. “You coming, Hansen?” Evan’s face got red, and Connor started laughing for real. “Don’t tell me. You’ve never climbed a fence before,”

It really wasn’t surprising, but somehow Connor thought it was _hilarious_ that he thought he could get _Evan Hansen_ to break the law. _Not everyone is a freak like you_.

“W-what if it falls?”

“Well then, say goodbye to your other arm,” Connor half-joked. He shrugged. “I guess if you don’t want to, you can call your boyfriend to pick you up,”

Evan frowned, rubbed his cast, and looked around him again to make sure no one was watching him, then started climbing over the fence. Of course, he was shaking the whole time, which made Connor chuckle. On his way down, he twisted and somehow fell right on his backside, making Connor’s chuckle turn into a laugh. Evan’s face immediately get red. “I’m s-sorr-“  

“If you say sorry I’m going to scream,” Connor said, chuckling. Evan made a whimpering sound and rushed over to Connor, clearing his throat. He held his hands in front of him, looking down at the grass. His face, if you could imagine it, got redder. Connor ran his fingers through his hair, still smiling down at the boy. “You really want to say it, don’t you?”

Evan looked up at him and patently nodded. Connor rolled his eyes. “Go ahead,”

“Sorry,” Evan breathed out. Connor scoffed playfully, quickly wrapping his hand around Evan’s before he could change his mind and started leading him into the trees. Evan was blushing, but didn’t move away. Why would he? It wasn’t like holding Connor’s hand was _bad._ Besides, they weren’t really holding hands. Connor was just leading him to a spot in the orchard, no big deal.

And they _were_ soulmates.

Evan gulped at the sudden thought, although he tried not to. Connor looked back, concerned. “You ok?”

“Y-yeah,” Evan lied. He tried to chuckle, but it just came out nervously, sounding more suspicious then he meant for it to be. Connor raised his eyebrow, which made Evan get louder in an attempt to sound more sure of himself, but it didn’t work. “Yeah! S-sorry, I’m ok,” He smiled nervously, and even though Connor knew something was wrong, he also knew that asking wouldn’t do anything. So, he just looked forward as Evan lost himself in thought again.

Connor lead him to a giant tree and sat at the base of it, tilting his head up to the sky and letting out a deep breath, relaxing himself. Evan did the same, watching the sun pour through the leaves. He suddenly looked to Connor. Did he see the yellow? Green? Was he seeing the sun, or the glow through the leaves? He should be able to. He smiled softly. Connor was...strange. In the two days he’s known Connor, he gotten to see him angry and he’s gotten to see him...not angry.

Almost, sensitive? Happy? Kind? He didn’t have the right words. He was still scared of Connor in a way. He _was_ intimidating, even if he turned out to be the nicest person in the world. However, Evan found with surprise, he didn’t mind being alone with Connor like he thought he would. Maybe it was because he knew that Connor was at least somewhat his soulmate, or associated with him in some way. Connor was a part of his life now, and maybe that brought these new feelings. Maybe it was because he could see that Connor was just as lost as he was, and something about that was comforting.

Without warning, Connor rolled his head over to look at Evan. Evan’s face got red, but for some reason, he didn’t want to look away. His soft milk chocolate eyes entranced him, and the longer he looked, the more he realized that they weren’t all brown. They held bits of gold that seemed to glow brighter than the stars themselves, but they were so tiny, you wouldn’t notice with a single glance.

He focused on them until they seemed to burn themselves out and Evan snapped back to reality, realizing how long he’d been staring at Connor. Connor started to realize too as both of their faces got red and they synchronisticly looked away. A few seconds of an unnerving silence passed before Connor cleared his throat. Evan looked back at him, and Connor looked to Evan. Their faces were still red. Evan looked down in embarrassment. “I’m sorry,” He squeaked.

A few more seconds passed. Connor’s hand slowly slid over Evan’s and his fingers started to curl under Evan’s. He stopped halfway and looked at Evan, making the nervous boy look at him. “Is this ok?” Evan gulped and nodded, which apparently wasn’t selling it. “Is this seriously ok? I don’t want to make you uncomfortable,”

“N-no, it’s ok,” Evan said nervously. Connor eyed him suspiciously, and to show Connor that it was, Evan awkwardly curled his hand over Connor’s fingers. He chuckled self-consciously before an idea came to mind. “Here,” He pulled his hand away and pushed his palm into Connor’s, intertwining their fingers, looking at Connor all the while for a sign to stop. But it never came. He was staring at their hands together so intently, Evan thought he made a mistake. He started to panic. “Oh g-god, is this wh-what you wanted to d-do? I’m sorry, IshouldhaveaskedfirstI’mso-“ He started to pull away, but Connor’s grip tightened.

“No, that’s what I wanted to do...” He cleared his throat and looked up to Evan, smiling. Evan offered a nervous smile back, before both of them looked away. Connor cleared his throat again, quickly. “It’s just...it was just so weird, you know?” Evan’s eyebrow raised, looking at Connor, but Connor couldn’t see him. He continued. “I...I never thought that...it would actually be like I have to...shove...or touch someone. I mean, you hear about these people online who just look at their soulmates and it clicks. I didn’t think...I had a soulmate...for the longest time, you know?”

He trailed off, looking at their hands between them. His mouth was open slightly, like he was still trying to find the right words as his eyes zig-zagged on their fingers. Evan looked too. He continued. “Even Zoe has someone. I’ve heard that some people don’t ever meet their soulmates. I always thought that someone would be me. My father...he said that I wouldn’t...that I was too _scary_ , or something. I guess it’s kind of true. My mother said, ‘of course you’ll find your soulmate!’ but I could always tell that she was so unsure of herself. Zoe...she tried to hook me up with people. And it I didn’t see colors on the first handshake, it was over. And...I didn’t think that...I wouldn’t... _see...”_

He trailed off again. For a second, Evan thought he had something else to say, but he didn’t. He looked away. “What...d-do you see?” Evan said, desperate to start the conversation again.

Connor sighed deeply. “Blue. Green. Yellow. Pink. And orange,” He listed.

Evan raised his eyebrow. He had different colors. Some of Jared’s and some of his own. But more of Jared’s. “Yellow and orange?”

“Is there something wrong with that?” He snapped a bit. Evan quieted and looked down, loosening his grip on Connor’s hand. Connor chilled, looking at their hands, then at Evan, who looked guilty.

“S-so-“

“No _nononononon..._ I’m...” Connor sighed, titling his head back against the tree. He rubbed his forehead with his free hand. “I’m dumb, I’m sorry, I-“

“You’re not dumb,” Evan interrupted, then his eyes widened. “O-oh! I’m sorry, I didn’t-“

“It’s ok! You don’t have to apologize! It’s fine...” He stopped, looking at their hands. Evan did the same. A few more seconds passed. Birds sang and leaves danced in small gusts. And Evan’s phone buzzed. His eyes became wide again. He didn’t want to move, but he felt bad ignoring his phone. He waited again. Two seconds. It buzzed again. And again. Connor looked at him.

It buzzed again. Evan closed his eyes and took in a deep breath. “You gonna get that?” Connor asked. Evan’s eyes shoot open and he looked at Connor, eyes wide.

“O-oh y-eah, I...” He looked at his pocket, struggling to get his phone out with one hand.

“You need both hands?” Connor asked.

“N-“ Evan started, but before he could finish, Connor let go and Evan pulled out his phone. It almost slipped. His hands were too sweaty. He put his phone down and whipped his hands on his knees quickly and picked up his phone like nothing was wrong. Then, upon realizing that Connor was watching, his face got red, but he said nothing about it, fumbling through his phone to see new messages. While doing so, his phone buzzed again, and he almost jumped.

It didn’t stop. Someone was calling him. His eyes adjusted well enough to look at the name, and once he saw, he jumped up.

“J-jared!” He said into the phone. “You’re supposed t-to be in clas-s,” His voice was shaking. With his free hand, he hit his face, cringing.

“Yeah, I could say the same to you. But school’s over. Babe, you don’t sound good, where are you?”

School was already over? Evan’s knees started shaking and he felt like he wanted to throw up. His breathing shallowed.  “I...uhhh...I’m at...” He struggled to find the words. _Oh god, not now. Anytime but now._ He shot Connor a pleading look. Immediately, Connor stood up and rushed towards Evan.

“Ev?” Jared could hear Evan hyperventilating through the phone. He got louder. “Evan, listen to me sweetie, ok? Deep breaths in, one...two...three...four, out, one...two...three...four. In, one...” He droned on and Evan tried to synchronize his breathing with Jared. He suddenly choked out a sob. “Where are you Evan? I’m going to pick you up, I need to know where you are. Can you talk, baby?”

“I...Autumn S...it...” He mumbled, trying to find the words again. Connor ripped the phone out of his hands, placing it to his own ear.

“You know where the Autumn Smile Apple Orchard is, Kleinman?”

Surprised to hear Connor’s voice, he stuttered before answering. “I...uhh...yeah. Didn’t it close d-down years ago?”

“It did, but we’re here. How fast can you get here?” He looked down at Evan. Tears were running down his reddened face and he was pulling at his fingers. “Don’t do that,” Connor said to Evan, who looked up at him. He started holding Evan’s right hand to get him to stop. “Where are you?” He said loudly to Jared.

“Uhh...I’m on the road now. At the water tower. It’ll be around twenty minutes,”

“Good. I gotta go,” Connor said, waiting for a response.

“Uhhh...yeah, go!” Jared said franticly.

And with that, Connor hung up, putting both his hands on Evan’s shoulders, which were franticly bobbing up and down as Evan tried to breathe. “Ok Hansen. You’re ok. Jared’s going to be here in 20 minutes. You’ve got to breathe with me. Ok? Look,” He quickly pulled out his phone, doing a simple search for breathing exercises. “Look. Breathe in for...five seconds. Ok? I’ll count, look,” He started to count, repeating the process until Evan cut him off by hugging him tightly around his middle. He was still trying to calm himself, but he had the hang of it now.

Connor hugged back, rocking him side to side slightly. He ran his fingers slowly through Evan’s hair, whispering encouragement and praise, while Evan struggled to thank him somehow, but found it hard to talk. 16 minutes later, Jared ran through the orchard, yelling for Evan. He stopped, 100 feet away, upon seeing Evan and Connor hold each other. They didn’t notice him. Evan was calmed. Connor calmed him. He completed him. Completed his colors. Jared stood there, watching them from a distance. His eyes were burning and his legs were frozen, and a part of him was preparing himself to see them kiss.

For some reason, it looked right. It looked...better. Better than he ever thought he could look with Evan. Connor was comforting and serious, and Jared? All Jared could do was try. He stood there for 4 minutes, and no one noticed him, watching his boyfriend and his boyfriend’s other half, and he wanted to feel happy. Oh, how he wanted to feel happy. He didn’t even know how he felt. Describing it would take too long. He _was_ happy, but he _wasn’t._ He was angry, but he was numb. He was jealous, but not at all jealous.   

Jared was red.        


	7. Red

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared is jealous, Connor is angry, and Evan is worried  
> Dear Evan Hansen everybody

Evan was supposed to be asleep. Supposed to. He was asleep when Jared and Connor brought him home, after staying awake in the car, making sure the two didn’t kill each other. The ride home was surprisingly silent. It made Evan nervous. However, once he got in the house, he could stay up no longer and basically passed out on his bed, but only had rest for 20 minutes before he silently woke to a full out yelling match between Connor and Jared.

It hadn’t moved to physical violence yet. But both of them were on edge, and they were not the type to hesitate. Evan sat curled up in the corner of his bed, staring at the open door, slightly grazing his fingers over to goosebumps on his arms.

“Why are you so fucking pissed? You know what, you should be happy I didn’t just _leave_ him for the twenty minutes you spent driving over there,” Connor yelled.

Evan couldn’t really see what was going on, but someone was stomping off somewhere. They didn’t get far though.

“I’m not saying that,” Jared shot back. “I just-“

Connor quickly cut him off. “Sure as hell sounds like it!”

“ _It. Just. Scared. Me._ Why didn’t one of you text me? Or call me?”

“Sounds like you should be talking about that to Evan. Maybe you should be pissed at him,”

Jared got louder. “Shut the _fuck_ up, this is _not_ Evan’s fault! If _you_ wanted to take him out, _you_ have a responsibility to tell me,” Evan’s nails dug in to the sides of his knees. It was his fault, it was all his fault. Connor was right, he should be yelling at Evan.

“Well I didn’t think- “

“Yeah. _You never do,_ ”

“And _you_ do?”

“Fucking _listen_ asshole! Ok? I _know_ Evan, and Evan, _my Evan,_ does _not_ skip school,”

Connor chuckled sharply and painfully. “ _He’s_ the one who said yes,”

In the other room, Evan’s breath hitched and he suddenly felt like he wanted to cry, but his eyes were dry. To dry. Burning, almost. He shouldn’t have said yes. Jared was _worried._ He knew this would happen, so why would he say yes? He forced the lump in his throat down as he pressed his ear to the cold wall beside him, leaving only one open to listen.

“Besides,” Connor continued, “the dude was having a bad day and I was just trying to help my _soulma-“_

“He’s not your fucking soulmate!” Jared yelled loudly.

They silenced. Evan silenced. Tears started to fall down his cheek, even they knew to be silent. He buried his face in his knees quickly, trying to stop breathing so loudly, but he accidently moved his foot in a way so the unstable bed crashed against the wall, making a thud sound. Evan’s eyes widened at his mistake and he quickly laid down, throwing the covers over his head. He curled up and squeezed his eyes shut.

For a moment, everything was as it should be. Silent and still. The only thing Evan could hear was his own heart beating rapidly, but soon two pairs of feet started making their way to Evan’s room, and stopping at the doorway. He put his hands over his mouth, hoping to muffle the sound of his loud breathing so they would think he was asleep. It didn’t work.

Someone walked to the edge of the bed and sat down, making a soft crease. “Evan?” Jared said softly. “Baby? We know you’re awake,” A few seconds passed before Jared somehow found Evan’s un-casted arm under the covers and laid his hands over top of it, shaking it a bit. “Please come out, we just want to talk, ok?”

He let a second pass before he reluctantly sat up and look at Jared on the edge of his bed, who, upon seeing Evan’s red, tear covered face, smiled sympathetically and reached out to wipe a tear off, which only made Evan’s tears fall faster. Jared was nice. _He doesn’t deserve this. He doesn’t deserve me._ He still refused to make a sound. “Shhh...” Jared let out as he brushed his finger across Evan’s cheek. “It’s alright. It’s ok. No one blames you for anything, Evan,”

The sentence made a lump form in Evan’s throat again, and force itself out as a strained cry. Immediately, he threw himself on Jared, hugging him tightly and burring his face into his shoulder, squeezing his eyes shut. Jared wasted no time to hug back tightly.

“I’m sorry,” Evan cried out, finding his voice again. “I’m sorry...sorry...I’m sorry, Jared,”

Jared was shushing him the whole time, rubbing small circles in his back. “Evan. You don’t need to be sorry, ok baby? I’m sorry I woke you up. It’s ok. You didn’t do anything wrong,”

“You didn’t...wa-wake,” Evan struggled out, but Jared cut him off.

“Shhh. Yes I did, shut up,” So Evan shut up. A second passed and they pulled away, resting their foreheads against each other as Evan tried to stop crying. Jared smiled again, taking both of Evan’s hands in his own and they looked into each other’s eyes. “Evan, sweetie, I’m going to ask you a yes or no question, ok?” A few seconds passed for Evan to process the sentence, then he nodded slightly. “You need to answer it honestly. Can you do that for me?”

“Ok,” Evan mumbled. Jared took a deep breath and pulled his head away slowly, glancing toward Connor and nodding a bit. Evan look towards him as well. Connor started to walk towards Evan’s bed as Evan moved his feet over the side to sit on the edge. He curled his toes against the cold, hard, wood, holding Jared’s hand with his own left hand, which was made harder because of the cast, and he pushed down on the bed beside him with his right hand.

Connor calmly sat beside Evan with a slight, worried, smile on his face. “Ev?” Jared questioned. Evan looked back to him. “Does Connor make you feel comfortable?” It took a few seconds and a few dozen looks between Connor and Jared before he looked back towards his boyfriend and nodded. Jared nodded back and smiled, but it seemed like he was hiding something. Before Evan could figure it out, however, Jared pressed a small kiss on his forehead. “That’s ok,” He whispered. _Was it ok?_ Evan was worried. “That’s great! That’s good, Evan,”

“I-I love _you,_ Jared,” Evan said helplessly, making Jared smile in sympathy.

“You can love two people at the same time, Ev. It’s not bad, it doesn’t make you a bad person,”

Evan was about to open his mouth and say something, but Connor beat him to it. “Do you love me, Evan?” He asked. Evan looked up to him with wide, guilty, eyes. Connor’s eyebrow was raised, but as soon as he saw Evan, he let it fall. Suddenly, Evan’s face went red, and he looked away. Everyone knew it was a definite yes. 

“I-I...I don’t...know...” He said quietly, then reconsidered to fix his lie. “Well, I _do_ know. I l-love both of you. A lot? I m-mean...” He trailed off again, looking at the ground, hoping they understood. They both did.

“We’ll figure it out,” Connor said sweetly. Evan looked up at him again. “Maybe not today, but we’ll figure it out,”

Evan tried to smile in response, but he couldn’t. He just bit his lower lip and nodded, looking back quickly at the floor. After five seconds of silence, he looked at Connor again and spoke quietly. “C-can we just be friends? Right now? I mean, I d-do love you Connor, I said so and, I mean, I wasn’t lying, I p-promise but...I wan-“

“Yeah,” Connor cut him off, nudging him in the shoulder. “Of course we can. If it makes you comfortable,”

“Are you comfortable?” Evan asked.

“I am. I promise. I wouldn’t agree to it if I wasn’t comfortable, ok?”

Evan looked forward, taking in a deep breath. “Ok,” He replied. He looked between himself and Connor, at their hands balled up and pressed in the bed, then at Jared. “C-can...we watch something?”

Jared chuckled. “Yeah. I’ll set something up. What do you want to watch?”

“You guys can pick. Please?” He started to kick his feet back and forth over the edge of the bed like he was a small child. He honestly didn’t have anything specific he wanted to watch at the moment, he just wanted to watch something. Jared looked at Connor and crossed his arms.

“I will settle for nothing but Star Wars,”

Connor stood up and crossed his arms as well, clearing his throat. “Documentary,”

Jared raised his eyebrow. “Wow. That is really fucking nerdy,”

“And Star Wars is any better?”

“Touché,”

“A documentary about UFOs and strange occurrences in the US,” Connor pulled off a one shoulder shrug and a slight smile. “I’d been meaning to watch those. Seems like some shit you would be into, Kleinman,”

Jared stared at him for a few seconds before slowly letting out a breath. Evan looked at him and smiled a bit. He knew that Jared loved watching videos about weird conspiracy theories on YouTube and reading about them on stupid media sites. He looked at Connor, who was grinning evilly. Apparently, Connor knew it too. “You’ve found my weakness,”

“So the insanely cool Jared Kleinman _does_ have a weakness,” He replied.

Jared stuck his tongue out and turned around, walking to the living room. Connor started moving too, but stopped after three steps when he realized Evan wasn’t moving. He looked back, surprise to see the boy staring at the floor with a few tears in his eyes. Connor lost his smile and bent down in front of Evan, to be at eye level with him. “Hey,” He said to get Evan to look up at him. He did. “Hey,” Connor said again, softer. “What’s wrong?”

“D-do you t-hink it’s my f-fault?”

“No,” Connor said, remembering his fight with Jared earlier. He took both of Evan’s hands in his own and slowly stood up, making Evan do the same. “No, no. I don’t think it’s your fault. It could never be your fault. Kleinman was right, I should have taken more responsibility,”

Evan looked down beside him. “It’s n-not your fault,”

“Then maybe it’s no one’s fault,” Evan looked back up at him. He was smiling nervously. “Maybe he’s just mad, and he would be mad no matter who we blamed it on, ok?”

Evan nodded slowly, taking in and letting out a slow breath before looking at Connor’s and Evan’s hands together. Connor immediately let go, but before he could put both his hands down, Evan grabbed the left one, and wrapped his hands around the middle.

His face reddened and he looked forward, too scared to readjust his hand and lace their fingers together. Luckily, Connor did it for him. Evan looked at Connor in surprise. The taller boy only grinned. “Is this what you wanted to do?” He asked.

Evan smiled. “Y-yeah,” He squeaked out. Connor chuckled, and the two boys walked out together to see Jared holding the remote and flipping through TV shows. Once he saw Evan and Connor, his eyes immediately darted to their hands together. He gulped and stared in disbelief almost. Not hatred, not jealousy, nothing. It was almost like he was numb. But before Evan had time to react, Jared looked up at him and smiled, hiding whatever emotion he held underneath his eyes.

He patted the spot beside him. Evan and Connor sat, still holding hand, with Evan in the middle. Once they put the documentary on, it was no more than ten minutes before Evan fell asleep on Jared’s shoulder. Jared put his arm around the sleeping boy, glaring at Connor, who was still holding his hand. Connor glared at him as well, but after a second they looked back to the TV without a word, watching the rest in silence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm actually in love the headcannon that Connor and Jared LOVE conspiracy theories and bond over them because that totally seems like something they would bond over


	8. Absolutely

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a plan. But right now, I REALLY WANT TO DITCH THAT PLAN.   
> I MEAN IM NOT GOING TO, BUT I REALLY WANT TO  
> I'M SORRY KIDDOS I LOVE YOU I PROMISE

As soon as the bell rung, Connor Murphy jumped out of his seat and was the first one out the door. It’s been like this for weeks. He was the first one to get to Evan’s class, the first one to ask how his day went, and the first one to hear him start to complain about homework. But, there came a price. It also meant he had to watch Evan’s face light up as Jared walked in the room and said something that made him giggle before the two shared a kiss or hug. He had to notice how happy Evan, the boy he loved, became when his _boyfriend_ walked into the room.

His _boyfriend._ But Connor didn’t pay attention to it much. Sometimes, just sometimes, Jared would walk in late enough to see Connor and Evan laughing over something said earlier or discussing assignments or chatting about classmates, and Connor would see his face _fall_. He knew that Jared was mad, but he couldn’t show it for Evan’s sake. So, he had to hide it. And he hid it poorly. Connor could see that he was falling apart and, boy, how he loved it.

Jared hid it with jokes and laughter. He would interrupt the conversation with ‘Young love!’ or ‘Why wasn’t _I_ invited?’ Something like that. Something stupid. Something to lighten the mood. And that’s when Connor knew he won.  

“You two kiss yet?” Was Jared’s go to line today. Evan and Connor were talking about an upcoming project when Jared approached the two happily. He wrapped his arm around Evan, bringing his face down to his level, and planting a kiss on his cheek before letting him go. Evan smiled, looking at Jared.

Connor crossed his arms and grinned with an idea coming to mind. “Actually, yes,” He said smugly. Evan blushed wildly and looked to Connor in surprise. Jared’s face fell a bit as he turned his attention from Evan to Connor.

“Oh,” He said quietly. He had asked plenty times before as a joke, never actually expecting the answer to be yes. The answer wasn’t yes, they’d never gotten close to kissing. Jared crossed his arms and cleared his throat, not sounding mad but disappointed and depressed in his own way. “Oh...well...umm, good for you guys,” Seconds of unnerving silence passed. Connor’s smile only got wider, but fell every time he glanced towards Evan. He was only joking. Why should it matter? Evan knew he was joking! _Why does it bother him so much?!_

He turned to Evan, who was stuttering and blushing like crazy. “When where you going to tell me about...?”

Evan, who found it hard to speak in the moment, gestured wildly to Connor, trying to string the words “We”, “Not”, and “Jared” together to make a sentence, or start one. Connor rolled his eyes. “I was just joking,” He snapped, making the two boys look at him. He sneered. “It was a joke,”

“Oh,” Jared said again, a bit happier, which made Connor growl. “Not that I would really mind!” Jared said quickly. He chuckled, putting his hand on Evan’s shoulder and gesturing to Connor, too scared to actually touch him. “I mean, you two are _soulmates,_ ”

“Cut the bullshit, Kleinman,” Connor said blankly, moving away from Evan and walking towards the doorway. He grits his teeth. _I fucked up. He hates me. I fucked up AND he hates me. I FUCKED up._ God, he was a terrible person. But Evan started to stutter behind him, and soon Connor could feel the smaller boy’s hand on his shoulder. He looked back to see the worried boy behind him, trying to smile.

“Hey. Hey. I w-want to...well, I’ve been _reading_ and, ummm...I think...I-I-I might just,”

“Spit it out, Hansen,” Connor said. It didn’t sound as mean as anyone expected it would, but Evan’s face got red anyway.

Connor realized this and was about to say something before Evan took Connor’s hand in his left, and held his right hand behind him for Jared. Once he was holding both of their hand’s, he started walking towards the doors. A little shocked, Connor and Jared exchanged looks of confusion before angrily looking away. “A-alright...I’m n-not crazy...” Evan trailed off.

“Debatable,” Connor replied.

“Maybe so, _but,”_ Evan continued, “I...just, wa-want to _try,_ ok?”

“I’m confused,” Jared said as they walked through the doors. “Are we going to try drugs or something?”

Evan lead them to an oak tree a few yards away from the main school building and let go of their hands. “No. I want to t-tell you guys some things,” He looked between the two and they looked at him, then each other, before looking back at Evan and nodding. Evan though for a few seconds, like he was reconsidering what he was doing. He sighed, looked down, back up, took in a small breath, let it out, and played with the hem of his shirt. “I...” He started, then trailed off. “We...” He did the same. “Well...” He did it again.

Connor shoved his hands in his pockets, already slightly agitated. He shrugged. “So?”

“Give him time,” Jared said calmly.

“I-I...well, I d-don’t really know, _how_ , to say this, to you guys so... I’m just, going to. Say something. Ok?” No one really knew what Evan meant, but they nodded anyway and hoped they weren’t agreeing to sell their souls or something. Evan took in a deep breath. “You guys are _my_ soulmates so maybe you could possibly be each other’s as well?” Evan said quickly.

Both boys looked at Evan in shock, blinking once, twice, then looking at each other, up and down, before they narrowed their eyes.

_No._

“Nope,” Connor was the first to break the silence. “Nuh uh,” He started shaking his head and smiling. “There is no fucking way _Kleinman_ is my soulmate,”

Jared scoffed and crossed his arms. “You say that like it’s a bad thing,”

“It is,”

Evan tugged on Connor’s hand and tried to make it meet with Jared’s. “We wouldn’t know if it never happens, come on. I’ve read about p-polyamory...” He trailed off, noticing some discomfort on Connor’s face, but he continued anyway. _They’ll touch, and then they’ll know, and it’ll be ok. And I can ask him out. Score Hansen._

Connor rolled his eyes but let Evan take his hand anyway. “Oh, sorry, I didn’t realize that just because you read about it means it happened to _us,_ ”

“ _Hey,_ ” Jared snapped. “Tone it down. Evan’s just trying something,”

“We don’t even know if I have a soulmate! Maybe it’s some weird glitch in the matrix thing,”

Instead of lowering his voice, he raised it a bit more, making Evan jump a bit. Evan took Jared’s hand and brought it closer to Connor’s. Their fingertips brushed each other’s swiftly for a moment, then Connor sharply pulled away. He looked at Evan, wide eyed. Evan stared at him as well, studying his eyes for the wonder and fear he had saw in Connor when _they_ touched. Maybe for the curiosity and excitement Evan had when he and Jared had discovered different colors at five.

But it was different. Too different. Evan saw pure rage with a hint of sadness and even smaller hints of fear. Not fear he had before. Childlike fear. Which made it scarier, coming from Connor. It was almost like helplessness. But Evan also saw emptiness. Connor started shouting. “What the _fuck_ Hansen?! You knew this shit wasn’t going to work!”

Something, right then, settled in Evan’s chest. Something heavy. It told him he messed up, like normal, but somehow, thins was bigger. _Heavier_. Evan could hardly breathe. “I, I didn’t?” Evan said, but it sounded like a question. Connor took a step closer, his face getting red in anger.

“I don’t even like him, why do you think that we would eve-?”

Jared interrupted him. “Watch it, Evan tried something, it didn’t work. You don’t have to be an asshole,”

“Oh, _I’m_ the asshole?”

“Yeah?”

“I didn’t realize your feelings were so sensitive Jared,”

“Fuck off,”

“G-guys,” Evan stuttered, putting his hand up to Connor to tell him to back up. Instead, Connor pushed _him_ back out of anger. Evan stumbled a bit before Jared caught him so he wouldn’t fall.

Connor heaved, feeling the anger grow in him every second he looked at Evan, or Jared. But he couldn’t look away. His brain simply wouldn’t let him. “You know what? Maybe I don’t even have a soulmate! Maybe the world just pitied me and offered me a chance to feel _good_ about myself, like I was meant for something. But it fucked up that just like it fucked up me! Maybe it was just one big fucking joke. I bet God is laughing his ass off up there. You know what else? Maybe it was nothing but a joke to you, this whole time. I bet you could even see colors before you met me. Did you, Evan?”

The two boys stared at Connor in shock. He barely gave them time to reply before he stepped closer to Evan, and looked down to his face. Evan’s heart started beating rapidly. “Did you, Evan?!” He yelled loudly, looking straight into the shorter boy’s face. Evan didn’t move. Fear kept his legs stiff, but anger kept him from looking at anything but Connor. Jared yelled, but the two ignored him.

Evan felt butterflies swell in his stomach. His mouth turned dry, and something was caught in his throat. He wanted to move, but he couldn’t. He wanted to speak, but he couldn’t. He wanted to do something, anything. But he couldn’t. “I asked you a fucking question Hansen!” Then it snapped.

“I’ve been able to see 4 colors since I was five and no more than four!” Evan screamed. As soon as he started, everything else stopped. Tears suddenly gathered in Evan’s eye. It only took one blink to send them tumbling. Connor’s face instantly relaxed, then became frightened. Evan didn’t even look at Jared.

“Jared has too, we both have, we both are each other’s soulmates and we love each other but we can’t figure it out! We’ve never been able to, until I met you and I was able to see everything. And I’m _sorry_ you have to go through only seeing a few colors because I know that’s hell, but I’m trying to help you, and maybe it didn’t work, but I’m trying so hard, Connor! We still don’t know what’s going on and no, I’m not able to show you the right path right now, but I’m willing to walk with you down _every god damn path_ until we find the right one together! So, excuse me for trying to help you and trying to be a _good person_ for _you._ I want to be the right person for you, Connor! I’m doing this for you! And if you don’t want it done, you can _fuck off,”_  

By the end, Evan’s face was red and his eyes were burning, but to everyone’s surprise, he wasn’t crying. He wasn’t until he looked at Connor, then Jared, then their hands. One last look at Jared sent him over the edge. Tears started to silently fall, but none of them moved. Even when Evan let out a soft and muffled sob, nobody moved. Anger at Jared and Evan died down in Connor. Now he was angry at himself. But he wouldn’t show anyone.

Jared cleared his throat and looked down, and that was the breaking point for Connor. _Great, Evan is sad and Jared feels guilty._ Connor narrowed his eyes, looking between them both. Why did he care? Why should he care? _Why do I fucking care?_

He turned around quickly to the parking lot and stomped off, shoving his hands in the pocket of his hoodie. He could feel the eyes of Evan and Jared burn holes in the back of his head, but he knew that neither of them could be angry in the moment. Even Jared wasn’t as angry as he should be. They were just sad. Maybe it was hidden anger that came out wrong. He let his thoughts about the two consume them. He didn’t have time to think about colors.

He didn’t have time to think about _what he did._ How much he probably hurt them. How much Evan wanted this to work. After all, why should he care?

Once Connor got to the parking lot, Evan crumbled. He wrapped his arms around his stomach as tears started falling harder, and didn’t try to hide it as soon as a tiny cry came out. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” He tried to say. Jared ran over and pried Evan’s arms from around his sides to hold both his hands. “I’m sorry, Jared, I’m sorry,” Jared took Evan’s hands and held them close to his chest.

“You don’t have anything to be sorry about, ok? It- baby, you tried something. You tried it. You thought it would work, but I guess the universe has other plans, ok? It’s not your fault,” Jared reassured.

“I’m sorry, I thought...” He repeated. “I-I thought it _would_...I don’t... _understand...”_

“I don’t either baby, but it’s like you said. We’ll just keep trying, ok? We didn’t find out today and we might not find out tomorrow, and that’s ok. We’ll just keep trying,” He let go of Evan’s hands and wrapped his arms around Evan’s middle. Evan hugged him back loosely. He was too tired to do anything else. “I love you _so_ much. You’re so wonderful for trying. You’re great, you’re so brave, ok?” Jared reassured, trying to get Evan to calm down.

From his car, Connor Murphy watched the two, together for years, _soulmates,_ happy together, he watched them hug. He watched them kiss. He _saw_ something between them that he knew Connor and Evan would never have between them. He wouldn’t be surprised if he fucked up his chances with Evan all together. He saw how happy they were, in only a few colors. And it killed him.

It’s been like this for weeks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jealous Connor is just REALLy freaking mean. :’( But it’s super hot. He will fight someone. And loose. But it’s the thought that counts. He’s also really fudging protective
> 
> Jealous Jared is kinda hostile, mostly protective, like almost Connor level protective, but once you hurt Evan, there’s no telling what’s going to happen to you. He will murder a dude for his boyf. Straight up murder
> 
> Jealous Evan is Jealous Me, and that’s all I will say about that


	9. Halloween

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EvErYbOdIyS gOt A rEd SoLo CuP

He’d just went out for a jug of milk and some bread.

He didn’t expect to come back to the biggest party Zoe had ever thrown. Connor sighed, stepping out of the car with his eyes glued on the house. Through the window that was in the living room he could see people dancing and talking together with bottles or cups in their hands. He rolled his eyes. The music was turned up loudly. Too loud, _too loud._ Someone else was going to call the cops if he didn’t first. And he seriously considered it, but his parents would probably blame him.

Connor slammed the car door shut, gripping the milk and bag of bread in his hands, and reluctantly made his way to the front door. A part of him wanted to run back to the car and drive away, but there was nowhere he could go. Another part of him, the part that was winning, wanted to go inside, brake up the party, and cuss out his probably drunk sister.

As he got closer, he could see that nothing was broken, yet, although there was already a bra hanging off the ceiling fan. _He was just out for 45 minutes._ Most people were in costume, but some weren’t. And he didn’t think the costumes some of the girls were wearing could even be counted as real costumes, let alone real clothing. He growled, putting his hand on the doorknob, and closed his eyes quickly, taking in a few deep breaths. _It’s ok. It’s ok. I’m going to be fine._

Slowly, Connor reopened his eyes and pushed the door open. Nobody paid attention to him, but he was paying attention to everyone. The music was _much_ louder when he was inside. Some stupid pop song Zoe was into. _Zoe._ Connor rushed to the kitchen, or tried to. He would find his sister later, but for now, he was trying not to be crushed by the crowd. There were too many people. He didn’t even know half of them. He knew Zoe was popular but who _the fuck_ knows this many people?

Trying to avoid a girl in a slutty...dog...costume, he crashed into a football player that was almost as tall as him, who pushed him off rudely into the kitchen. Connor growled, but started making his way to the fridge anyway.

“He was so _fucking hot_. I don’t care what the universe says, I _swear_ he’s my soulmate,”

“Yeah, her costume is kind of cute,”

“Are you going to the football game tomorrow?”

He angrily put the food away and stormed throughout the house, avoiding people, or tying his best. But really, what can you do at a Halloween party full of teenagers? He stumbled up to the staircase, accidently elbowing someone in the ribs. Paying no attention to it, and the random insult the guy slurred towards him, he kept marching up to his room, relieved when the door was shut. But just to make sure, he quickly looked inside. No one was there. He crossed the hall to his sister’s room.

But two people were very loudly making out in there. He immediately turned around, hoping to god it was just Zoe and her girlfriend in there and not anyone else. But that meant he wouldn’t be able to cuss he out for...however long that took.

“I found my soulmate today, here, in this house. But...I can’t _find_ them anywhere. They just disappeared in the crowd...”

“Phil, what the fuck,”

“I’m not gay but...” “Ellie, whatever follows ‘I’m not gay’ is probably going to be really fucking gay,”

Connor looked down after immediately turning around into a girl who wore a Heather Chandler costume, trying to avoid being yelled out again. All he wanted to do was _get out already._ It was loud, the music was killing him, people were everywhere, and if he could just get out, _get out, get out in one piece._

The girl in the costume looked at Connor as he walked away and started whispering to one of her best friends. Loudly and terribly. Did teenagers even know how to whisper properly? He stopped walking, listening to them. He shouldn’t. He shouldn’t have, _I can’t, get out, I have to get out._ But he stayed still. Listening.

“The Murphy with the _anger issues_ and shit?”

The friend whispered back. Could you even call it whispering? “Yeah, that’s him,”

“Damn. Didn’t he get in a fight when he couldn’t find his soulmate? Like, physically?” _Lier. Lier. Lier!_

“With those two fags, Evan and Jared,” _Shut your fucking mouth._

“I heard he wanted to be Evan’s, but he’s Jared’s soulmate, so he got pissed,” _Shut your fucking mouth!_

“Oh my god, they’re just both so _fucking ugly_. They belong together,”

Connor spun around as fast as he could and gripped the railing to keep himself balanced.

“ _Shut your fucking mouths!_ Jared and Evan aren’t _ugly,_ people can’t help who they fucking _love,_ and I didn’t _physically fight anyone!_ Mind your own goddamn business and shut your fucking _whore_ mouths before I have to shut them for you! Maybe I _am!_ Ok? Maybe I am pissed that I had one shred of hope and it _fucking disappeared_ before my eyes because the universe is a fucking dick! _Shut the fuck up!”_ He spoke so fast he didn’t realize half of what he was saying and so loud half the people upstairs were looking at him. And whispering.

Not loudly. _What the fuck are they saying? Shut the fuck up! Get out, get out, GET OUT!_ He turned back around quickly, feeling his face heat up as he ran down the stairs. The screams in his mind were loud enough to block out the music.

 _Fucking Zoe, this is all her fault!_ He had no one else to blame it on. _I’m not so insanely popular._ He shouldn’t have come inside. _It was a fucking month ago._ A month without Evan. Or Jared. _Who gives a fuck about Jared?_ He did. It was insane. He shouldn’t. He was a dick to Jared, he was jealous of Jared, he was supposed to hate Jared, so, why didn’t he? It was selfish. Polyamory was _selfish._ And he wasn’t Jared’s soulmate either so it wasn’t like it was an option! _You’re a fucking freak._

“Whoa!” Connor crashed into someone else who didn’t look like they were wearing a costume. A cup fell to the ground. The person stumbled backwards, probably drunk. _And blocking the door._ “I’m sorry!” He slurred. “Are you ok?” He was drunk but not drunk enough to not be polite. Neat.

...

Wait.

Connor lifted his head up and his eyes widened. Evan’s did too. “Oh my god! You’re _here!_ I came...hoping to find you...but you weren’t home!”

A month. _A month_ and the next time he sees Evan he’s _drunk?_ Thank you, universe, you piece of shit. “Evan, are you drunk?” He asked, as if it was going to change the fact that Evan was totally drunk.

Evan smiled and put a finger up to his lips. “Shhhhh, _shhhhhh,_ don’t tell Jared, ok?”

“Evan, I can’t...I can’t keep a secret like that from Jared,”

“Red is a pretty color, didja know that?” Evan said, staring intently at the cup.

“Yeah,” Connor said, looking at the cup that was still grey to him. He looked back up to Evan. “I’m taking you home, buddy,”

It took a second to process the sentence, but once he did, Evan nodded, looking around him. Connor stepped towards the door to lead him out, but Evan suddenly looked back at him. “I forgive you,”

“W-what?”

“ _I forgive you,”_ Evan said louder, leaning towards Connor a bit. “You know. Back there. Outside? You were acting like a lil’ shit,”

Connor shrugged and grinned. “Drunk Evan cusses, cool,”

Evan continued like he didn’t hear Connor, which was probably the case. “-To me _and_ my boyfriend! But you know what? I still don’t understand. If Jared’s not your soulmate, who the hell is, right?”

“Yeah, who the hell is? Let’s go,” Connor said unenthusiastically, nodding to the door.

Evan considered it for a second, then lost his smile. Two seconds passed. He smiled again. “I love you, Con,”

“I-I love you too. Let’s go,” He said as he started walking. But Evan stopped him by grabbing his arm.

“No, Con. I _mean_ it. You’re great, and-“

Connor’s heart was pounding, but he didn’t let him get any further. “Ev-“

Before Connor could finish, Evan moved forward quickly, draping his arms around Connor’s shoulders and pushing his own lips into the taller boy’s, standing on his tiptoes and leaning onto Connor’s body to do it. Evan stared running his fingers through the ends on the boy’s long hair, twisting and tugging. Once Connor was sure he knew what was happening, he found himself kissing back. He wrapped his arms around Evan’s waist, pulling him closer then he already was, causing Evan to let out a soft moan.

It was almost a whimper, barely heard by anyone but Connor. It shouldn’t be heard by anyone _but Connor._ He needed to hear more, he wanted more, he wanted _Evan,_ not just some drunken sloppy kiss that would’ve been forgotten the day after. But that’s what he was getting. And he was ok with it for now.

“Connor,” He whispered onto Connor’s cheek when he pulled away slightly, lightly covering his jawline in feathery kisses. It wasn’t just his name. It was a question. A question he had been wanting to ask since they met. And no matter how much he wanted to, Connor couldn’t answer yet. Their lips met again, and Connor whimpered at a surprisingly sharp tug in his hair.

 _Yes,_ he breathed, _yes, I love you so much Evan. I’m yours._

But he wasn’t. Evan had a boyfriend. Evan loved Jared. Jared loved Evan. There wasn’t room for Connor, they deserved someone else, someone who shared all of their colors. Someone who was _right._ Connor pulled away, despite his own protests. He looked deeply into Evan’s eyes, widened and a little shocked that Connor pulled away. Was he sad? Mad? Happy?

“Evan,” he said softly, not acknowledging the kiss, “it’s time for bed,”

“I love you,” Evan said again. Slowly, this time. Like he wasn’t sure if he was actually saying it or if it was just his imagination. But Connor heard. His heart started fluttering again. “ _I really love you,_ Connor,” He added.

Connor just smiled, letting the boy fall into him, and holding him closely as the shuffle to the door. “I love you too. C’mon,”  


	10. Wake Up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: *Oct 10th* I wanna write more of Th-  
> Depression: Nope  
> Me:  
> Me: But I-  
> Depression: Noooppppee

He had never gone to Connor’s house, until the night before. Connor had never gone to his. He didn’t know where he woke up when he opened his eyes the next morning. The ceiling wasn’t familiar, the walls weren’t familiar, the books weren’t familiar. So, when his eyes snapped open, he just kind of laid there, scared to move his body, but his eyes were going everywhere, trying to make sense of everything. Anything.

He held his breath. The colors in the room weren’t light or anything, except an array of nail polish among other empty nail polish bottles. Black, grey, blue, pink, red. Red. Red. _Red, red, red, red_ \- All of a sudden, the door opened and Evan never turned over quicker in his life, subtly pulling the blankets further over him, and it was only now that he realized his head was pounding and his joints were throbbing.

Evan closed his eyes to the best of his ability before a soft voice cut the silence, and they snapped open again. “I know you’re awake Evan, this trick doesn’t work, you should know that,” Evan slowly turned around, lifting the blankets off his face. Connor sat on the side of the bed, smiling slightly and putting a plate on the small night stand.

“I called Jared and he came over to check on you. The dude was worried as fuck, he didn’t think you’d be out that long. He, uhh...” Connor tailed off and looked up at nothing, a thousand miles in front of him, as he rubbed his neck. He didn’t look back at Evan as he continued. “He said to just...stay here? He, would... _talk_ to you later,”

There was something about the way Connor said ‘talk’ that made Evan’s heart sink. He didn’t remember what he had done. He was going to Connor’s to say something, Jared said that was ok. Then he saw Zoe, and Alana, and people and people and _so many people_ and he couldn’t take it anymore so he...he...what did he do? But Evan just winced. Thinking made his brain hurt. Connor suddenly looked down at Evan. He shrugged. “I’m sure it’s not going to be that bad, he’s probably pissed at _me,_ ” Connor chuckled a bit after that.

Pissed? What was he pissed about?

Suddenly Connor grabbed the plate from off the side table and brought it downward so Evan could see. Pizza. _Really good smelling pizza._ “Pizza,” Connor said with a grin, tempting Evan with it. It worked. Evan sat up, struggling to move without hurting himself. “The very best hangover food,”

“Hangover?” Evan mumbled, taking the plate of pizza Connor happily handed to him.

“Hangover,” Connor replied, chuckling a bit, but he quickly trailed off. “You...do remember last night?

Evan said nothing, but instead took a small bite of his pizza, making him realize how painfully hungry he was, but he couldn’t eat anything quickly without hurting his head more, so he settled on taking small bites. He didn’t remember much, just bits and pieces. Ok, he freaked out. People. There were lots of people. Alana suggested...a drink? He took it and... _shit._

He looked up at Connor again, who was biting his bottom lip. Waiting. “I...was drunk?”

Connor smiled slightly. “Yeah, anything else?” It didn’t seem like Evan was completely waisted. Well, not like Connor would have gotten. But he had to remember something. It was stupid, but he kind of hoped Evan remembered the kiss, if anything. It was stupid to kind of hoped he didn’t regret it either. But the truth was, Connor thought, that if Evan even did remember it, he would regret it. He had Jared. What more did he need? Evan was not his. Evan wouldn’t ever be his.

He sighed, but didn’t let his smile drop. “You don’t remember anything else, do you buddy?”

“I didn’t yell at you, did I?” Evan’s eyes widened. “I mean, I-I remember you were _there_ and I...” He trailed off and his face became red. It clicked. _This_ is why Jared would be pissed. At Evan. At Connor. Did Connor want him to remember? What was he going to say? What was he going to do?

He remembered alright, but Connor didn’t know if this was quite the reaction he was looking for. Hell, he didn’t know _what_ reaction he was looking for, but not this one. Probably. Wait, was this bad?

Good lord, Connor would mind if Jared showed up right now. Why wasn’t Jared there yet? Connor looked around as if he was going to find Jared in the corner or something. But he didn’t. Oh, right, he had to call him. Shit, he should probably get to that, shouldn’t he? He started to get up.

“Wait, stop,” Evan said quickly, then winced as if he knows he shouldn’t have said it. What were they even going to talk about? He knew Connor liked him. _That way._ Evan kind of liked him that way too. But there was Jared. Connor and Jared never got along, it would never work. And Jared wasn’t even Connor’s soulmate so-

“Yeah?” Connor said sharply, interrupting Evan’s train of thought. _He’s mad, he’s mad at me, abort!_

“Waitneverminditsnobigdeal,” Evan stared backtracking. Connor’s eyes went wide as he moved forward to comfort Evan with the notion that he fucked up. Again. He took the plate laying in Evan’s hands and put it back on the side table.

“Evan, Evan,” He said, in an effort to calm the boy down. Sure enough, Evan started to slow down and look at Connor, who started holding both of Evan’s hands.

“Wedontevenneedtotalkaboutiti-f you don’t...want?”

Connor chuckled nervously. “Evan, do you want to talk about something?”

He looked down at his hands in Connor’s. God, he wanted this to be a thing. He wanted Jared too. He wanted both of them. But it would, _it couldn’t_ , work out. Connor had someone else out there, but, who was it? Jared had someone else out there too. He was sure of it. They had to. But...they also had Evan. They completed Evan’s colors, both of them. Evan gave them some color, somehow.

He looked back up. Connor’s face was unchanged. They were still his soulmates. Evan took a deep breath. “What do you want to do?”

Connor raised his eyebrow. “I don’t know, what do you want to do?”

Evan smiled a bit. “I don’t know, wh-“

“I’m not doing this today, Hansen,” Connor cut him off, but had a smile on his face as well. It dropped soon after his sentence was over. “You kissed me,”

“You kissed back,” Evan said quietly, and a little defensively.

Connor thought for a moment. “Yes, I did. Was that bad?”

“No,”

They both got quiet, not knowing what else to say. Both of them wanted the same thing, but couldn’t ask. Well, didn’t ask. Jared needed to be called. He would tell Evan it wasn’t his fault. He would tell Evan he loved him. He would yell at Connor. Jared and Evan would leave and Connor would be left alone again. That was how it was supposed to be.

Five seconds passed.

“D...do you think we could do it s-sober?” Immediately after it left his mouth Evan regretted that sentence. His eyes widened along with Connor’s. “I’m sorry! It-“

This time, Connor cut Evan off with a kiss. It happened so quickly, Evan wasn’t quite sure what was going on, but as soon as he realized, Connor pulled away. The two looked at each other without moving or saying anything. Then, suddenly, Evan moved forward to kiss Connor. It wasn’t anything like the night before. Except Evan’s fingers running through Connor’s hair, that was pretty much the same. Gentler, this time, but almost the same.  

As soon as Evan pulled away, he rested his own forehead on Connor’s and let his arms fall to Connor’s shoulders. Connor put his around Evan’s waist. “I want you,” Evan said quietly. “I want this. I want...” His head immediately snapped up and he ignored how terribly it hurt as his eyes went wide. “Jared. We need to talk to Jared,”

“We do,” Connor agreed. “We should. I can call him,” He waited for a response. Evan nodded slowly. Connor did the same, slowly letting go of the shorter boy and sliding off the bed. “You. Stay here,” He motioned towards the side table as he pulled his cell phone out of his pocket. “Pizza, ok?” Evan nodded again as Connor slipped out the door and shut it softly.

Evan started smiling wildly as he grabbed the pizza from the side table.

* * *

 

The cell phone was already in Jared’s hand. He didn’t sleep. He refused. He knew Evan was going to be ok, everything was going to be fine, but he wanted to be there when Evan woke up. He just hoped Connor wasn’t lying to him when he said he’d call. Why would Connor lie to him? He wouldn’t. As much as Jared... _disliked_ him, he was honest, and he was Evan’s soulmate. Jared couldn’t deny that much.  

Yeah, there was a part of him that may have _thought_ Connor would’ve lied to him, the reason being he wanted Evan to himself. But if that were so, why would he call in the first place? Saying Evan was here, saying Evan was safe. Drunk, but safe. Saying they...kissed. Normally, if you wanted someone to yourself, you would deal with this yourself, and you wouldn’t tell that person’s boyfriend.

So, yes, Connor Murphy was honest. In all honesty, Jared didn’t _hate_ Connor. He was just jealous. Crazy jealous. But he knew Evan and Connor loved each other. Evan was happy with Connor, why would Jared take that away? And it wasn’t like Jared and Connor never got along, they could talk about conspiracy theories, books, drawing. Evan. Connor wasn’t all that bad, he guessed.

Maybe if they were soulmates...

_“Flint, yoouu have a calllll, Flint you have a call”_

Jared jumped up and quickly answered the call, not even bothering to read the name. No one else would call him. “Is he awake yet?”

“Yeah that’s why I’m calling you. Umm, listen...” Connor trailed off and Jared’s wide smile started to fall. “He asked...if we could, like, kiss. Again. Him and, I,”

“Oh...” He started to walk towards the door. “Did you?”

There was a silence on the phone as Jared slipped on some sandals and started to put on a loose-fitting jacket. Connor sighed. “Yeah?” It sounded like a question, even though Jared knew it wasn’t.

“Fuck,”

“But, listen, it’s my fault, really. I kissed him first. Like, he asked and I started it, you don’t even have to-“

“No. I know. I’m not mad at him,” Jared grabbed the keys to his Jeep and walked out the door. 

“Yell at me all you want. I just-“

“No, I’m not mad at you either,” Silence came again and Jared quickly got in his car. He didn’t have time for it. Connor started to stutter, but Jared stopped him. “Look, I’m coming up, tell Evan I’ll be there in 35 minutes, ok?”

He hung up quickly and laid the phone in his passenger seat, sighing as he pulled out. He wasn’t mad. He told himself he wouldn’t be mad, and he wasn’t, he just...didn’t think this was the way it was going to happen. That everything was going to happen.

_“Flint, yoouu have a calllll, Flint you have a call”_

Jared looked down to see it was another call from Connor, but ignored it. It would take a while to get to the Murphy house. Just long enough to give Jared some time to think.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jared's ringtone would totally be Flint's ringtone from Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs, you can't tell me otherwise


	11. Soulmate

Jared knocked patiently on the door to Connor’s house exactly three times. It was 11:38. Early. He and Evan would still be asleep at home by now. A soft chill was settled in the air. Jared sighed, waiting. _One, two..._

He pounded on the door three time. Connor opened the door with an unreadable expression, and upon realizing it was Jared, did something between a nervous smile and a look of regret. He jabbed his thumb towards the stairs. “Evan’s upstairs,”

“Hello to _you_ ,” Jared joked. Connor didn’t have time to respond before Jared trotted upstairs. He looked back to Connor. “Your room?”

For a second, Connor thought about being sarcastic. _No, Zoe’s._ But he decided against it. Maybe it was because Jared came all the way. Maybe because Connor kissed his boyfriend. Maybe it was because Connor realized he kind of messed up the last time he saw Jared, and he really didn’t scare off yet. Who really knew? Jared looked at Connor with his hand on the door to him. Connor nodded.

As soon as the door opened, Evan turned to look at Jared. Jared smiled slightly, stepping in the room as Connor stood in the doorway behind him. Evan sunk into the corner of his bed, but never took his eyes off Jared. Jared sat down on the bed, getting ready to say something, before Evan beat him to it. “I’m sorry,”

Jared raised his eyebrow. “That’s the first thing you tell me?”

Suddenly, Evan’s eyes widened, like he did something wrong. He buried his face in his knees. “Sorry,” he said, muffled. Both Jared and Connor chuckled as Jared moved closer to his boyfriend.

“Evan,” Jared cooed. “Baby, shhh,”” He ran his hand through Evan’s hair, softly pushing hair behind his ear as well.

“I’ve n-never done anything like t-that...” Evan said.

Jared moved himself closer beside Evan and put his arm around him. “I know,”

“I’ve drank but, g-god, never like _th-that_ much,”

“Shhh, I know,” Jared kept repeating.

He knew exactly how to handle the situation. It seemed to calm Evan down just by talking about and talking about how sorry he was. Connor sure as hell wouldn’t know how to handle it. He didn’t know how to handle it. God damnit, he kissed Evan again. Evan, who has a boyfriend, who has a hangover, who was at his house, who kissed him first, who he loves, who loves him. His soulmate. And Jared...

He pushed down a knot in his throat. _Jared._

Connor fucked up.

“And I d-didn’t call you...”

“It’s ok. I forgive you, Evan,”

Connor took a deep breath and walked over to the bed where Evan’s head was resting on Jared’s shoulder. Both boys looked at him. Connor smiled. “Look, everything’s going to be ok,” He trailed off. The sentence was meant for Evan, but Connor was having a hard time believing his own words. He pointed out the door. “You guys...want me to go?”

“Connor, I’m glad you called. And I’m glad you got him to bed,” Jared said.

Connor looked surprise. It took a few seconds to understand if Jared’s statement was sarcasm or not. It was not. “Uhhh...you’re...welcome?”

“And we need to get something out of the way. While we’re all here,” Jared said with a smile. He nodded to a spot beside him and Evan. Connor sat down Indian style on the bed with his hands on his knees. Jared looked at his hands. Then bare arms. “I’ve never really seen you without your jacket on,” He chuckled. “You’re, like, super skinny, dude,”

Connor chuckled as well. He looked down at himself then back up at Jared. “Yeah,” He shrugged. “Guess I’m lucky, or something,”

Jared nodded. To which Connor replied to by nodding. Everything was utterly silent for a moment. Jared was the first to speak up after four seconds. “Look, driving down here gave me a lot of time to think. And at first...I was a little bit mad. I mean, I’m not going to lie. But...” He trailed off and looked at Evan, then Connor. He sighed. “I wasn’t so mad that you guys kissed each other. I guess I was more mad that it wasn’t as special as it needed to be. And I was mad that we made _this_ into something we didn’t need it to be,” Jared shrugged. Which was more of a ‘do you have anything to say?’ shrug.

Connor looked down at his hand. He knew _exactly_ what Jared was talking about. But if Jared knew, and he was mad that they made all this drama for themselves, then why would he play along? He guessed if he waited long enough, Jared would answer. And he did, after four more seconds. “I’m scared too. I want to know what purple looks like. But at the same time, I just want it to be the same way it’s always been. With Evan,” 

Connor chuckled and ran his hands through his hair. “Red sounds neat,” Connor looked back up to see Jared. He was smiling. Connor tried to smile, but it fell. He was always such a dick to Jared, how could he be happy, knowing what Connor had done? How could he be happy knowing Connor tried to piss him off and make him jealous every time he was with Evan? How could he be happy when every time Jared and Connor got together, Connor started fighting, or yelled at him, or got jealous or mad at him?

So, he asked. “Why are you happy?” Then he reconsidered. “Why are you still here with me? I’m an asshole. Just take your boyfriend and leave,” Connor suddenly snapped, deciding that Jared was toying with him. He crossed his arms and looked away. Evan sat up near the corner of the bed, almost ready to leave or say something.

But Jared never moved. He looked at Evan, but talked to Connor. “When you love someone,” he started, gently holding Evan’s hands. He rubbed his thumb over the arm he broke. He kissed his forehead. Connor looked over at the two of them. Jared looked over at Connor, but didn’t let go of Evan. “I guess you learn to push through most of the stuff they do,”

“Because...” He let go of Evan and geared all his attention towards Connor. “When you’re soulmates, you have this connection that allows...unconditional love, or something,” Jared chuckled. “It’s ridiculous,” He added sarcastically.

Connor sighed and rubbed his arm. “That day...I mean... _the day_...I was jealous of...you and Evan and I was mad and NOTHING seemed right and I just-“

“I know,” Jared interrupted. Connor smiled. He suddenly looked at Evan, but the boy somehow already knew what he was going to say.

“I know...what happened. I m-mean, _now,_ ” He shrugged. “I’m...only slightly mad. But I understand,” He said clearly. He was smiling too. He looked at Jared and nodded towards Connor. “So...?”

“So,” Jared said in response. He let go of Evan, moving closer to Connor. So close that their noses where almost touching. Both boys couldn’t help but laugh. I guess the moment was supposed to be romantic, or serious, maybe scary, but they just laughed. They both knew that they were each other’s soulmate. That was a fact. They both hadn’t wanted to be. That was a fact. They both loved Evan. That was a fact. And neither of them were scared to see anymore.

That was also a fact.

Connor raised his eyebrow and stopped laughing, but never stopped smiling. “Are you sure you want this? Want me? Us? Together? And this...” he looked down at himself and chuckled nervously, “mess...that I am?”

Jared didn’t reply. He slowly brought his hand up to stroke Connor’s cheek. It was warm. Connor laughed, just because he couldn’t stop himself from doing it.  It was perfect. It was proper. And Connor finally knew that Jared’s glasses, were red. “Absolutely,” Jared said before he moved closer, gently placing his lips on Connor, and slowly pushing the two backwards. Connor stopped them from falling by putting his hand behind him on the bed to prop them up. But he didn’t let go.

He wouldn’t let go.    

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, that's right. I ditched my plan. You guys want this? You got it.   
> Instead of my normal hardcore angst, I bring you, high school drama with a happy ending!

**Author's Note:**

> I really like soulmate AUs, but I'm probably shit at writing them. It was fun though. And I want to do more with the whole 'describing color' element, it's hard but really fun
> 
> Warning: I don't write long and/or good chapters


End file.
